The Night I Did My Darnedest To Give My Child Nightmares

I recently scrolled through the kids’ section on Netflix, and got excited to see Babar on the list. We have a 1970′s hand-me-down Babar book Zachary took a special liking to at age one.

“Look, Zachary, they have a Babar movie! What about that one?”

My daughter and I were busy giggling over sloppy zerberts, and weren’t really paying attention to the movie. Ten minutes in, my son was silent. Transfixed. I looked up at the screen to see the barrel of a gun pointing at a herd of baby elephants frolicking gaily in a pool of water.

I will give you a play-by-play of what followed, knowing full well that it’s more than slightly odd that I didn’t jump up and turn it off immediately. Bear with me, if you can, but I have yet to come up with a defense that even I can buy.

“What’s that, Mommy?”

“Ummm…a hunter.”

“What’s a hunter?”

“I….uh….I’m not sure this is the best movie”

(Not yet making a move for the remote)

“Why is it not the best movie?”

“Well….”

The Mama elephant shouts, “Save the herd!” as she charges at the gun, allowing her family to escape unharmed. The gun goes off in an explosion of smoke, and her baby starts screaming “Mama! Mama!”

The next thing we see is a herd of elephants circling their fallen member and a baby climbing on top of his unconscious heap of a mother, sobbing,

“No! Mamaaaaaaaaa! Noooooo!”

I sat there waiting, thinking surely Mama Elephant would open her eyes and allow the herd’s doctor to bandage her superficial flesh wound. This is a children’s movie for heaven’s sake!

Zachary stared at the screen, equally confused.

“Why’s his Mama not waking up?”

“I don’t know…”

In my head, I finished with, “…how to explain this or at what age I should introduce you to the topic of death.” Surely, not just shy of three…

As I finally came to my senses and reached for the remote, he slowly whispered,

“I watch another movie”

“Yes. I think that’s a good idea.”

Settling on the old, familiar stand-by, Blues Clues, I quickly checked the episode synopsis to make sure this was not the one where Steve, (the host) holds a rifle to Blue’s head, violently threatening for a clue. Once fully convinced, I slipped away to put Isabelle to bed.

Twenty minutes later, Zachary and I were choosing his bedtime story from a new stack of Golden Books I bought at a garage sale.

Disney’s Hercules

Not well versed in Disney movies that came out later than 1990, I was unaware of the content of this “children’s tale.”

By page three, I had introduced my toddler to the concepts of Hades, the Underworld, demons, baby-napping and poisoning. Before page four, I announced that I did not like the book and went to choose another-triggering a blazing siren of fits that could NOT be waited out due to:

1. A sleeping 18 month-old sharing his bedroom wall

2. A lack of energy and desire at this point in the day to commit to a fierce and stubborn teaching moment.

Retrieving the book from the floor, (and solidifying my son’s understanding that throwing a screaming tantrum gets him his way), I continued to read in the most monotone, flat, uninspired voice I could muster; leaving out words like “monster with many heads” and “giant Cyclops.” Of course, I was unable to turn the pages quickly enough for him to miss the detailed drawings of these lovely creatures.

Strike two.

Off to bed now, shall we?

“Nighty Night. Sweet dreams!”

Surprisingly, he went to sleep with little fuss about an hour later, so forgive me for any errors in this post. I can no longer dissect it for editing purposes. His baby monitor sitting next to my laptop is now glowing red and screeching,

“Mammmmaaaaaa!”

I must run off to assure my son I have not been shot, and then catch some z’s myself. Tomorrow we are rushing to Target bright and early to fetch Bambi and Finding Nemo. While I’m there, I may as well grab a copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Let’s see how far we can take this, shall we?

Emily Rozek is a Broadway actress, wife, and mother of two toddlers under the age of three. She is on a daily quest for balance and a rediscovery of what it means to “have it all.” Please join her journey at Motherfog.

Any television shows or movies geared toward kids that upset you or your child? Please comment below.