The Moment Things Got Real

Finding out I was pregnant was not at all how I pictured it. I always assumed that after months of trying and beginning to feel symptoms, I would finally buy a test, wait nervously with my husband, and then we would tearfully discover the news together. This isn’t what happened.

I found out sitting on the floor of my bathroom. I was alone, save for our cat Marty who did his best to provide moral support (and not bat the test strip off the window sill). I used a pregnancy test strip that came in my ovulation kit, probably the cheapest version of a pregnancy test available. I had to Google the results to be sure. “Any second line, no matter how faint, is a positive,” Google said. I couldn’t argue with Google so I stood there, shaking.

Naturally, my husband was away on business when this happened. I took the test on a whim—not because I “felt pregnant” but because I was so tired of trying to figure out those wretched ovulation strips, which never made it clear whether I was or was not ovulating. I guess we’ve solved the mystery. I’m pregnant, and ovulation strips are for suckers.

It wasn’t months of trying. It was one month of “let’s just see what happens.” Could this really be happening so soon? I knew this was what we wanted, but there was something about getting pregnant so immediately that filled me with terror. Did we think this through? We just got married! Are we ready for a baby? Am I really pregnant???

The logical part of me decided I needed another test to confirm so I hit my local drugstore on my lunch break at work. I counted the hours until I could get home to take the test, and when I finally made it, I left the keys in my front door overnight in my dizzying state of urgency.

This pregnancy test was the real deal, and the results were equally real. There they were: two thick blue lines. It was official. I’m. Pregnant. (Full disclosure: I took six more pregnancy tests in the weeks that followed to solidify the results – and to thoroughly confirm my neurosis).

For a while I contemplated how to share the news with my husband. I was flying to San Francisco the following evening to meet him for the weekend, but I just couldn’t keep this information to myself for a full 24 hours. This secret felt too large for just me. It wasn’t at all how I imagined this moment, but I decided to call him.

“Are you alone?” I asked.

“Yeah… why?” he replied.

“So… I guess you were right about it not taking a while,” I said nervously. “I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant.”

“ARE YOU SERIOUS?! WOW! Wow… wow.”

Wow indeed. “Wow” was all I could think about for the first few weeks of pregnancy. It didn’t feel real. I still didn’t “feel pregnant.” I felt equal parts elated and scared out of my mind. I felt like the mere fact that something I wanted so deeply came so fast surely meant that it would be taken away just as quickly.

The night before our first doctor’s appointment, I was a nervous wreck. I broke the first cardinal rule of pregnancy and Googled every possible horror story scenario. (Note to all pregnant women: DO NOT GOOGLE!). I felt certain the doctor was going to tell me I had a blighted ovum or that this was a missed miscarriage or worse, that I was never pregnant at all. I could actually picture everyone having a good laugh over my imaginary pregnancy. For the record, my OB/GYN is a lovely woman and would NEVER laugh at anything I brought to her attention.

And she didn’t laugh. She showed us our baby on the ultrasound screen – a teeny tiny flickering little bean. She printed out a photo, and I clutched it in my hand like gold.

I’m now 33 weeks pregnant with our little bean. The elation/scared out of my mind feeling is still very much present, but I’ve grown used to the emotional tide of pregnancy. I try to embrace all the many (MANY!) feelings I’m experiencing. I’ve found the excitement is usually far greater than the fear.

I hear this is what parenthood is like.



Jillian Gordon is the Managing Editor of Mamapedia.com. A Los Angeles-based lifestyle writer and editor, her work has appeared in Beauty Launchpad, Nailpro Magazine, Saturday Night Magazine and Westside Today. She is also the former Content Manager of Mom.me. Jillian is currently expecting her first baby in late November, 2016.