15 Halloween Costumes that TRULY Terrify Every Parent
When I was 19 I went on a local Haunted Hayride. I left bruises on my boyfriend’s arm from grabbing him when something jumped out and scared me. I was honestly terrified. Twelve years, and mulitple children later, I went on the same ride. I was surprised at how little frightened me on this still, REALLY convincingly scary hayride. Then I realized, the days of being scared by people in masks and fake blood are gone because now I have kids and I know what REAL fear is.
The following things aren’t scary until AFTER you have kids. If one of these things came to my door, I’d probably pee in my pants and hide.
Prepare to scream, slam the laptop shut in fear, and never look at your kids the same way again. Because unlike Freddy Krueger or Jason Voorhies, these horrors really do exist … and might actually come knocking on your door one day. I proudly present every parent’s nightmare… in costume form:
1. Head Lice
Deva at My Life Suckers horrifies us with the itchy sensation of head lice! All kids are at risk, and parents never know when it will strike! The only treat I would be giving is prescription hair shampoo!
2. The Girl at Mardis Gras with Beads up to Her Ears
Kristen Mae of Abandoning Pretense strikes fear into the hearts of every parent with this costume. No Mom wants to think about her daughter flashing “the goods” for beads while she gulps down Hurricanes and Hand Grenades in the French Quarter.
3. Teen with PMS
Those of us with daughters know that the day will come when they hit puberty, and with puberty… comes PMS. The thought of two PMSing daughters clashing with my own haywire hormones is enough to strike me down with fear. Traci from A Day in the Life of a Drama Queen’s Momma reminds us to give her the chocolate-covered Midol so NO ONE GETS HURT!
4. The Teen Who Gets Brought Home by the Police
Uh-Oh. No matter how old our kids get, Julianna from Rants from Mommyland reminds us that we never want to meet this angry face at the front door with our spawn in handcuffs…. although, if it does happen, mine had better be begging for mercy instead of candy.
5. The Freshman Girl Who Goes to Prom with a Senior
It’s scary to contemplate our kids entering the minefield of teenage dating, and even more terrifying when a Senior dude asks your precious little Freshman daughter to Prom. My husband, The High Roller at Herd Management, might follow them to the dance, shotgun in hand, instead of just waiting on the front porch for them to get home.
6. The Neighbor with Twenty Kids and a Yard Full of Dog Poop
Most of us want our kids to have friends over to play occasionally but there are always those moms who take advantage of our hospitality. These women think it’s perfectly acceptable to drop off their gaggle of kids at our houses, unannounced, so they can go do fun things. Lynn at Nomad Mom Diary depicts the terrifying scenario of the neighbor with a Duggar amount of kids showing up on your door attempting to dump said kids as she flicks a cigarette into your petunias.
7. Common Core Math Homework
Just ask any parent with a kid in elementary school – math homework was hard enough before Common Core went and blew all logic and practical reasoning to hell – now it’s an absolute nightmare to have Common Core Math Homework enter your front door. In this picture, Stephanie at When Crazy Meets Exhaustion correctly gives the answer to ALL CC Math problems…
8. A Chemist … with a Meth Lab
There’s a whiz kid in every neighborhood or group who’s cooking up something in his basement that he shouldn’t be messing with. You REALLY don’t want to see HIM at your door because he’s probably going to play a trick on you or let your kids sample his treats." Jessica at "Science of Parenthood reveals the horror that awaits if you don’t have his favorite candy in the bowl.
9. College Expenses
As much as we all want our kids to excel and get into a good college, when that acceptance letter comes through the door, every single dime you’ve been saving runs out to meet it. Michelle at Mommy Back Talk shows us the deceptively sweet disguise of financial ruin.
10. The Pet Hoarding Neighbor
Everyone hates it when the neighbor with a ridiculous amount of pets allows them to run wild and leave treats" all over everyone else’s lawn. Ashley at "Big Top Family reminds us of the disgusting and smelly facts of living next to a pet hoarder…
11. YOU… as a Teen
((Sigh)) Perhaps one of the hardest realizations in parenting is that we are raising a child EXACTLY like ourselves… and that struggle multiplies when a daughter starts dating a sketchy dude she met at Target and she LOVESSSSSS him. Amanda from Questionable Choices in Parenting shows us the horror she might be looking at in a few years when her daughter becomes the teenager she once was.
12. The Boomerang Kid
Oh No… you’ve sent them off to college with all they needed to succeed and the beer-drinking good times have gotten the best of their grades and um, admission status. Chrissy from Full Metal Mommy shows us the horror of “They’re BACCCCKKK”… with laundry bag and guitar in hand.
13. The Stomach Flu
No. NO NO NO NO NO! When the stomach flu comes knocking at your door, you SLAM it. Kathryn at Foxy Wine Pocket shows the nasty effect a stomach virus can have on a holiday.
14. That Person at the Door Who Just Needs a “Minute” of Your Time
Jennifer at Real Life Parenting makes us remember the times we wish others would keep the “opportunity” of their treats to themselves, because whenever they knock on your door and need just a “minute” of your time to change your life with insurance or a new business or innovative productive or a Watchtower pamphlet… your kids will run around destroying your house while you’re held hostage at the door… for much more than just a minute.
15. Toddlers That Won’t Sleep
All parents know the pain of sleep deprivation. Stacia at Dried On Milk shows us the adorable mask of nightly terror!
Just like we never really know what’s waiting behind the door when we hear a knock, or who’s really behind the mask of a Halloween disguise, we also never know what Tricks or Treats will be waiting for us along the perilous journey of parenthood.
Have a great Halloween with your kids. Enjoy them in their adorable costumes, and try not to think about the horrors that lurk beyond the happiness of the evening.
Like the Halloween Candy detox.
Jessica McNeill Azar, author of the popular blog, Herd-Management.com, is a happily married SAHM to four kids ages 8, 6, 5 and 2. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in English with a Minor in Writing from Auburn University Montgomery, is a Huffington Post Contributing Blogger and also writes for websites like Venn Magazine, Scary Mommy, and BLUNTMoms. Her work will appear in three humor anthologies that will be published later this year. Jessica is also a NickMom Brand Ambassador. As a writer and Mental Health Advocate, Jessica is co-authoring an Anthology called Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor, due out in March 2015. She enjoys running, and drinking single malt Scotch in the evenings to soothe her kid-rattled nerves. You can find her on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Pinterest.
