The Force is Weak with This Mom

Two things:

1. I’m pretty sure my husband would consider divorce as an option if he were to read this.

2. My husband hardly ever reads my blog so if you’re worried about the state of my marriage, it’s all good.

So. The Star Wars movie came out this weekend. Whoop de doo. As you might have guessed, I’m not a huge fan. I’m not a Star Wars hater, either. I’m admittedly kind of “meh” about the whole thing but I consider myself to be a pretty smart cookie for knowing Star Wars is the one with Yoda and Star Trek is the one with Spock. Right?

I won’t be standing in line for a ticket this weekend. I’m pretty sure this movie is important enough to my husband to not wait for it to be released on DVD or Netflix, but thankfully, his dislike of crowds is stronger than the force, so I’m good for the next couple of weeks.

Here are 20 things on my mind this week that have nothing to with Star Wars:

1. How real the possibility is that I won’t be able to zip my pants by December 31st.

It’s real. Very, very real.

2. The reassurance that I own exactly nine pairs of yoga pants and two of them could be considered “dressy” yoga pants.

3. It’s only days until Christmas and I haven’t made a to-do list.

I have not written one. thing. down.

4. The realization that everyone on the internet is holiday butt-hurt about something.

5. My hairdresser quit and I have gray roots half an inch thick.

It’s a PITA to try and find a new hairdresser over the holidays and the places in the mall scare me. Hey, these are real problems, people.

6. I will spend 18 straight days with my children and I have nothing scheduled.

No playdates. No fun activities. I’ve considered going to Walmart to buy some sort of kid friendly crafty ornament thingy but that’s as far as I’ve gotten. I haven’t made a list yet, remember?

7. What if my kids bust me moving the elf or eating Santa’s cookies?

8. What if I’m really addicted to Candy Crush?

9. What if we run out of wine over the holidays? Just kidding. That would not ever happen.

10. My biggest goal is to make it to 2016 without a trip to the emergency room… odds are not looking so good. I’m seeing signs of an ear infection and one of my kids’ newest thing is pretending to be a robot sleepwalker. He’s got two goose eggs from banging into stuff when he’s “sleepwalking.”

11. My goal is to watch enough stuff on the Hallmark Channel and HGTV to where my exposure to Donald Trump will be minimal.

There’s not much I can say about this. I’d watch a Star Wars movie marathon every weekend if that man would just go the eff away.

12. I’m super irritated that The Walking Dead is on midseason break.

One word: Darryl.

13. This might be the last Christmas where my kids are unaware of the existence of Minecraft.

14. My family and I will be home all day together (because I haven’t planned any activities) and I need a creative way to keep how much I goof off on the internet a secret.

15. I worry that my husband will not appropriately interpret “don’t buy me anything for Christmas.”

I really, really meant that, but it will be awkward if he thinks “don’t buy me anything” really means “you better buy me something, jackass.” Super awkward.

16. I seriously dread baking cookies with my kids… but I’m going to do it anyway.

If I had a to-do list, baking cookies would be on it… I think maybe I’ve even mentioned it to my kids so I can’t really back out now.

17. I am going to eat approximately one-fourth of my body weight in Chex mix.

Fiber is good for you, right?

18. My kids are going to ask me to take them to the Star Wars movie approximately 157 times before I actually give in and go, so I might as well just give in and put “family movie night” on the calendar.

19. I refuse to correct my one kid that calls it “Tar Whores.”

20. I refuse to believe that I might actually like the movie upon being forced to see it.

I saw Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back and I slept through at least half of each movie. I have almost no concept of what the movies are about and I got chastised the other day for saying “3CPO.” Whatevs. I was close.

So. The force is strong in my husband and he’s brainwashing my sons to love all things -Star Wars- Tar Whores. That’s okay. I don’t mind all the talk of Jedis and such in my house and other than a couple of suggestions that I might like a “Naughty Princess Leia” costume for Halloween (I would not) I don’t really get asked to partake in the Star Wars mania and my family allows me to stay right here in my own galaxy.

So, for all you people out there who are anxiously awaiting the release of the new Star Wars movie, I hope it’s everything you expected it to be, that the lines aren’t too long and that there aren’t assholes on their cell phones in the row behind you.

Me? I’ll be here trying to arrange my hair to cover the gray roots and keeping my kid from banging his head in to walls. Good times. Oh, and may the force be with you.

Jill Robbins writes about adoption, motherhood and midlife on her blog, Ripped Jeans & Bifocals. She has a degree in social psychology that she uses to try and make sense out of the behavior of her husband and three children but it hasn’t really helped so far. She enjoys dry humor and has a love/hate relationship with running. Her work has been featured on Babble, Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, and Blunt Moms. You can also find her in the December print issue of Mamalode. She willingly answers any questions that end with “and would you like wine with that?” You can follow Jill on Facebook and Twitter.