The Do's and Don'ts of Your Friend's Divorce

Do you have a friend or family member going through The Big D? No, not decomposing (although…), what I’m talking about is Divorce.

If you do, then here is a list of things to say, or not to say, to your friend in the months (years) ahead.

1. Never say: It will get better/in the long run this is better for you/eventually it will be okay.
None of these words mean anything to someone going through a break up of a marriage. Your friend is concerned about the here and now. The “short run” not the long run. Right now, it sucks. Right now, there is immeasurable pain. Telling your friend that eventually they will feel normal again is little to no consolation.

2. Always say: It will get better/in the long run this is better for you/eventually it will be okay.
As a friend, especially one that hasn’t gone through a divorce, there isn’t much else for you to say and you really just want to make your friend feel better. They will need reminding that life goes on and they will get over this. Even if they stare daggers at you any time you remind them of this. Keep saying it, it’s ok.

3. Don’t say: I’m so jealous of the time you have alone!
Think about the reason your friend is without her kids. She now shares custody with someone she thought she was going to parent with, under the same roof, for the rest of their lives. Your friend has time alone now but she misses her kids the minute they leave and can’t wait to get them back. Her life for those few days are lonely and far too quiet. Which means she has far too much time alone with her thoughts. You might be jealous of her time alone because you can’t imagine how it feels to take a dump in peace, but remember how jealous she is of your still intact family.

4. Go ahead and tell your friend you are jealous of her time alone.
Your friend, also being a mom, will totally understand your need for alone time and the almost impossible reality of making it happen. She will actually enjoy some of that alone time eventually. Going to the pool without dragging along 3 bags and 3 chairs and 2 sweaty kids does kind of kick ass. Just know that her enjoying that alone time comes with a heavy burden too.

5. Don’t say: Your kids will be fine.
How do you know that? Can you guarantee her that her kids won’t have severe emotional and attachment issues when they are older? Can you promise that they won’t have trouble trusting someone in a relationship after they see what can happen to their mom and dad? No one can promise this. It’s little comfort to someone that spends most of her time worrying about her kids even on a “good” day. Just let her know that you will be there if or when her kids blame everything that happened on her.

6. Do say: Your kids will be fine.
By saying this you are reminding your friend that you trust her parenting abilities. You know that she is as a good a mom as she can be and that is all her kids will need to survive and to thrive.

7. Don’t pretend like it’s not happening.
It’s happening. And it’s not normal, your friend doesn’t care what the statistics are, it’s not normal. Pretending it’s not happening doesn’t mean your friend isn’t thinking about it. Almost all the time. Not saying anything about it just makes your friend think you don’t care.

8. Do pretend like it’s not happening.
It’s ok, your friend is sick of talking about it too. And she knows that there is more to life than what is going on right now. She is probably fine talking about anything but the divorce for a little while.

9. Don’t ask: “How are you doing?”
It’s too vague of a question, and you both know how your friend is doing. Shitty. Be more detailed with your question. Ask how the kids have been handling it. Ask what the latest is with mediation or court dates. Ask what she needs prayer for. Being specific shows you care.

10. Do ask: “How are you doing?”
If you are at a loss for words, or don’t want to seem like you are prying, asking “How are you?” is fine. It shows you are thinking of your friend and want to know what her emotional state is without getting too personal. Just don’t be surprised if she answers you honestly with more emotion and information than you expected. Don’t worry if she starts crying, you might have caught her right after she heard “their song” in the doctors office waiting room, and the grocery store, and the bank…(seriously, how can a barely good song released 18 years ago get SO much play?!?!). So don’t ask that question unless you are prepared for more than “fine!” in response.

11. Don’t defend him.
Even if you are right to defend him in certain situations this will almost always result in violence. You’ve been warned.

12. Do defend him.
No… just don’t. Your friend might have said she doesn’t want you stuck in the middle of two friendships but it’s not true. Pick a side. She might have said that didn’t matter to her in the beginning but fuck it, it does. Pick one. All divorced couples lose friends in the process, if you plan on being one of those lost friends tell your friend right away so she can move on.

13. Do check up on your friend.
Your friend will probably not unload all her emotions on you the minute she has them. Or she will want to but will feel bad texting you at random times to tell you how sad she is. So check in on her when you think of her. She might need the life line that your check in will bring.

14. Don’t check up on your friend.
Nope. Always touch base with her and remind her that you are her friend in good times and bad.

And the final rule is…. there obviously are no rules at all. Just be there and do your best to be her friend, and your friend will too. It might take more than normal strength to be a friend to someone going through a divorce, at least for a little while. But trust me, she will need you to be around. If you can’t be a friend to her, bow out now… but please don’t.

Sarah Kennedy-Sexton is newly single and a mom of two boys. She can’t decide if she should keep her married name or go back to her awesome maiden name, so for now she is going to have a hyphenated last name like someone important. She lives outside of Philadelphia and repeatedly tries, and mostly fails, at all things domestic. Also, she likes to write. Probably should have led with that. Follow her blog at Raising Danger.