The Case Against NO
“Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?”
Ever felt like Chris Tucker, in Rush Hour, when talking to your kids? You feel like a capable communicator, I mean heck, you made it through that public speaking class in college and even get compliments on your well formatted emails!
But, are you communicating in a productive way with your children?
I’m not going to say on their level, because you don’t have to stoop to being a two year who grunts to communicate. However, we do want to communicate in a way that your child is developmentally prepared to understand. We also want those words to be kind and nurturing, which can be hard when it comes to clueless one year olds, rambunctious five year olds, and sassy seven year olds.
The biggest mistake that parents make when communicating, with kids and partners alike, is using words or phrases that are not specific enough.
Think about a time when you have told your husband to take care of the trash, and you come back to find that he has taken the trash out and not put a new trash bag in the can, like you had expected. You could get frustrated by this, just because you feel misunderstood yourself.
With children, the most non-specific word we use is “NO”.
There are classes, self-help books, and many quotes on Pinterest that teach us to say “no” in life; but let’s save that for grown-up things.
When it comes to saying no to children, we are really just using a declarative word, with no follow-up. You wouldn’t just yell “Trash” at your husband and expect a great response would you? Or maybe you would yell at your best friend “Knit”, when you really want her to make you a new scarf. Those examples may seem silly, but kids often get very little but a jolt of fear from the word “No”.
“No” tells you nothing about what you should do and only brings to your attention the “bad” or “wrong” thing you have done.
Small children, do not have the rationalization skills to say oh, I should do the opposite of this because Daddy said “No”. And sometimes the opposite isn’t always what we want. If your child is trying to drawing on the walls with crayons and you say “NO”, he may start drawing on the furniture. He needs direction and one simple little word isn’t not going to provide that.
Unfortunately in this fast paced word that we live in parents are often too distracted to give more than the utterance of “No” before moving on to other forms of reprimands, such as calling the child names, giving a time out, or spanking. With developmentally appropriate communication, comes the need to slow down a bit.
The words your child needs to stop an unwanted behavior and begin a acceptable one will not come as quickly or easily as “No”. Saying “We draw on paper, not the walls and furniture” or “We only color on paper” help drive the child away from the unwanted behavior and toward the wanted behavior. This takes time, as we are used to hearing “no” ourselves day in and day out.
Slow down, find time to add words to your sentences, and give your child the attention and direction they are desiring.
Sheri Little, M.A. is a social worker, trauma-focused parent coach and mother of three. She believes the key to effective parenting is the power of love and patience in a world of hurry. You can read more written by Sheri on her website Sheri K Little, and you can also follow Sheri on Facebook, Twitter, and on Pinterest
