The 5 Steps to Ensure More Sex From Your Baby's Mama

*Author’s Note: In order to avoid using prejudicial terminology such as wife, partner, or girlfriend – we shall hereby refer to the object of one’s amorous efforts as “Baby Mama.”

All right, dads, you’ve managed to get the mother of your child/ren in bed- score! Whatever reconnaissance efforts you put forth- laundry, unsolicited diaper changing, unloading the dishwasher, openly weeping- must have worked. Congratulations! Now that you’ve got her where you want her, let’s discuss how to increase your odds of getting her back there sometime in the next month, ok?

Step One: Always lead with a back massage. Your Baby’s Mama is tired, and her muscles are sore. She may have spent the whole day rocking your screaming spawn, or bending over to pick up toys, or hunched over a keyboard surfing Facebook. (wait, maybe that’s just me.) At any rate, it never hurts to lay some solid groundwork with a nice neck and shoulder massage. *To earn bonus points, massage her scalp or play with her hair. That will paint you as a romantic, sensitive dad. Winning!

Step Two: Show some finesse and self control. Here are some sample scenarios:
1. She snuggles in next to you, and you immediately grab her boob. WRONG.
2. You follow the author’s recommendation and begin by massaging her back. After two minutes, you go for the boob. ALSO WRONG.
3. Let’s try this one: After devoting a solid 3-5 minutes to massage, you begin to gently scratch her back and run your fingers through her hair. Your next move is to slide your fingers carefully down the side of her body, or trace her collarbone. Then circle, circle, circle… and go for it! CORRECT!

Step Three: Be respectful and gentle. Your Baby’s Mama’s body has been through a lot, possibly including pregnancy, pushing a large-headed baby out her hoo-ha or surviving a C-section, breastfeeding, rocking, lugging 30 pounds of car seat and kid around, chasing, hoisting a writhing, screaming toddler onto the toilet, buckling an uncooperative child into a car seat 891,000 times, and more. She has been peed on, vomited on, jumped on, and may be sadly lacking in the hygiene and physical fitness departments. She may not feel great about her body. Make an effort to avoid tracing the deep ridges of her stretch marks, and under no circumstances are you to grab her love handles or fondle her muffin top in any way. And on that note,

Step Four: Be open to non-traditional wardrobe choices in the sack. Your Baby Mama may not want to get naked with you, nor may she feel excited about the prospect of donning a form-fitting negligee. If she is breastfeeding, she may insist on wearing a bra during sex. If you are tired of her ratty old, off-white, milk-stained nursing bras, you can splurge and buy her a Hot Milk! Bra instead. I am not making this up. And if she possesses the aforementioned muffin top and stretch marks, she may prefer to wear a shirt the whole time. Even if she is clad in your size XL pit-stained South Park shirt from 1999, for the love of all that is holy, TRY to make her feel attractive and sexy. Dig deep, brothers. It will go a long way.

Step Five: Bring Your A-Game. Now is the time to put forth your best effort, break out some new moves and keep your Baby Mama interested. Should she become bored, she will likely be making a mental list of lunch box ideas, calculating how much breast milk is in the freezer and/or pondering how many more loads of laundry need to be done tomorrow. You do not want that. A disengaged Baby Mama in the sack is bad for everyone.

Congratulations on getting your Baby Mama in bed! Now remember, by following these helpful suggestions, she may actually want to return to the love nest sometime in the next two months! Keep up the good work, and remember: there are too many Douchebag Daddies out there – don’t let yourself be one of them.

Stephanie Sprenger is a writer, music therapist, and mother of two young girls. She blogs at Mommy, for Real about the imperfect reality of surviving the daily grind with kids, and The HerStories Project about women’s friendship. She can also be found squandering her precious free time on Facebook and Twitter.