The #1 Way to Make Sure Your Kid Succeeds

You return home from dropping your child off at school. You walk into the kitchen and see your daughter’s homework still sitting on the kitchen table. What do you do?
A. Rush back to the school and give it to her so that she receives credit?
B. Leave the homework on the table?

I read an article recently titled, “What If The Secret to Success is Failure” by Paul Tough. Tough would say that if you want to have successful children, the answer is B.

Tough says that it is through these types of lessons that children develop certain character traits which are as important to a student’s success, if not more important, than IQ. Tough suggests that children who are optimistic, persistent and socially intelligent are more likely to succeed because they have the ability to recover from setbacks and the will to improve their performance the second time around.

If Tough is correct, it means that your kid will be more likely to remember her homework next time if you do nothing. And I tend to agree.

If parents want children to succeed, they need to put their worries aside and resist the urge to save children from frustration, struggles and failures. Parents need to allow children to face natural consequences, teach them persistence skills and praise their efforts rather than their talents.

Not too long ago, I was standing outside my toddler’s door barely tolerating his screams of frustration as he tried to dress himself. As I listened, I felt my anxiety rise. I thought, I can prevent this frustration. I can save him from his tears. Can he really do it himself? Because of what I read in Tough’s article, I resisted the urge to intervene. After what felt like an eternity, he came out of his room, fully clothed with a proud smile on his face.

By doing nothing he learned to have faith in himself, to manage his frustrations, and to persist. If I had intervened, I might have taught him that he was not capable of dressing himself, and to avoid challenges in the future – to give up.

I know that children learn best through experience, and saving children from experiencing the negative consequences of failing is short-sighted. It might prevent momentary frustrations, but it will set children up for future heartache.

If children never face failure, they never have the opportunity to develop the skills to recover, persist and try again.

The best ways to help children learn this lesson is by offering a supportive environment where they can make mistakes and develop the problem-solving skills that will lead to confidence and persistence.

Persistence is a character trait parents can begin to teach at an early age. While playing with your child, praise skills such as patience, staying calm and problem-solving. When your child is struggling to find the right puzzle piece, rather than solving it for him, offer encouragement such as, “you are working so hard” or “I like that you keep trying even though this is hard”.

Praising your child’s efforts rather than talents is another way to develop persistence skills. It is easy to say “good job” or “you are good at puzzles”. Instead, praise your child’s hard work. “Wow, even though that puzzle was really tricky, you kept working until you found a place for each piece.”

Parents want to boost children’s confidence by telling them how athletic, beautiful and smart they are. I’m guilty of this, too. But when parents praise a child’s efforts rather than their talents, they send the message that hard-work will lead to success. If a child believes their talents will make them successful, they lose a sense of control over the outcome. Then, if something is difficult, they are more likely to give up and question their talent and less likely to put the effort into resolving it and persisting.

Like most parents, I fight the urge to save my children from failing. I don’t want to see them struggle or hurt. But if I can teach them to get up and try again, and I can remember to praise them for their hard work rather than their talents, hopefully I can teach them one of the most important life lessons of all; the ONE THING that can ensure their ultimate success… persistent.

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.” ~ Calvin Coolidge

Kerrie LaRosa is a mother of two, a parent coach and licensed therapist. She provides one-on-one coaching to empower parents with effective discipline techniques to manage difficult behaviors, improve family relationships and navigate major life transitions. Learn more and sign up for her monthly e-newsletter at www.larosaparentcoach.com.