Six Reasons Spring Breakers are Like Toddlers

When I was in college I never went anywhere for Spring Break. I went to school in St Louis, Missouri which meant I was at least an expensive plane ticket way from anywhere warm. Getting drunk and naked in Chicago…in March, just didn’t have the same appeal. So I stayed home, watched tv, and secretly judged everyone else who escaped to Mexico, California, or Florida. It was wonderful practice for motherhood when I would sit at home, watch tv after the kids went to bed, and secretly judge everyone who got a babysitter.

Although my first-hand experience of Spring Break is lacking, I am one of the foremost experts on toddlers. From what I can tell, college students on Spring Break are actually enormous toddlers with fake IDs and no chaperones. Living in a town that gets overrun every spring by drunken twenty-somethings, every year I hear about some college student getting drunk and falling out a window… into a pool… filled with jello. It gets more and more elaborate with every report.

And living in a Spring Break town is a lot like throwing a child’s birthday party. You know hoards of sugar-infused toddlers are coming. You invited them. However, you also know you’re going to be in Hell from the moment they arrive until the moment they leave what’s left of your once beautiful home.

This morning as I sat at the breakfast table, sipping my tea and checking my emails, I heard a loud thump. My three-year-old was laying on the floor, with his bowl of cheerios upside down on his chest, giggling maniacally as the dogs slurped the soggy cereal off his shirt. He just fell out of his chair. For absolutely no reason. Suddenly a thought occurred to me: Are Spring-Breakers simply giant toddlers? So, of course, I made a list. I think I might be on to something.

Six Reasons Why Spring Breakers Are Like Toddlers

1. If given half a chance they will overindulge to the point of vomiting – I once watched in horror as my three-year-old, in a blind panic that he might have to share with a friend, cram approximately 53 goldfish crackers in his mouth in under 30 seconds. Of course, he choked and ended up depositing a baseball sized lump of partially-chewed cheddar mush in my lap as I smacked him on the back repeatedly.

2. The later it gets in the day, the less likely they are to be wearing pants – This also goes for shirts, shoes, and underwear, but not necessarily in that order. I’ve found my three-year-old stomping around the house wearing nothing but a straw hat and galoshes before. I’m pretty sure I saw that exact fashion statement on MTV Spring Break one year.

3. They are sticky and/or wet all the time for apparently no reason – Do sexy beach babes just sweat a lot? Even when they are nowhere near the water their hair is always wet. Is there someone on retainer whose job it is to hose them down every hour? If so, can I hire them to spray my kids too? This afternoon my son came up to me, with a big scowl on his face and said, “Mommy, I need a new shirt. This one is all wet.” He had been watching television in the living room. No water to speak of.

“How did you get wet?” I asked, genuinely confused.

“I was chewing on it.” Oh. Obviously.

4. When they vacate your establishment it looks like a tornado blew through – This is another hallmark toddler skill. I can clean the entire house, top to bottom, and yet in the time it takes me to run their evening bath they can make a bigger mess than was there before I cleaned. I know they didn’t have time to actually play with all those toys. Unless they were playing bomb or hurricane. I’ve seen the streets of New Orleans after Mardi Gras and Tijuana after Spring Break. They look exactly like my living room at the end of a long day. Ok, maybe Tijuana always looks like that. I can’t be sure.

5. They are obsessed with boobies and butts – Without even thinking, my three-year-old will reach over and grab my boob. Not for any reason. Just because it’s there and he’s bored. I keep trying to explain to him that at some point in his life that will become unacceptable behavior. Then I turn on the tv and realize that’s what Spring Break is all about: boobies. Bikini contest? One hundred percent about boobies. Wet t-shirt contest? Wet boobies. MTV Spring Break? Skanky boobies.

6. If one of them misbehaves they all join in – Herd mentality is strongest in young children and drunk college girls. I have absolutely no scientific evidence for this, but there is simply no other explanation for Jello wrestling, mud eating, binge drinking, or stairs sledding. Without peer pressure none of these things would exist. At least the toddlers are only guilty of two of these lapses in judgement.

Mary Widdicks is a 30-year-old mother of two boys, two male dogs, and an ever­ changing number of gender-­indeteriminate fish. Her husband calls her ‘Honey’, the three-year-old calls her ‘Mommy’, the baby calls her ‘Milk’, the dogs call her their Indentured Servant, and she’s pretty sure the fish have no idea who she is at all. She is also the writer of the humorous parenting blog www.outmannedmommy.com. You can also find her on Twitter.