PMS: Slide the Chocolate Under the Door and Back Away Slowly

Let me put this delicately. I haven’t exactly been at my best this past week, and today hasn’t been any better. Girls, keep reading… you’ll relate. Guys, this is not for the squeamish, but you could learn something, so what the hell.

I’m bloated, I’m bitchy, I’m continually hungry, I’m pissed off, I’m annoyed, I’m upset about… I don’t even know what I’m upset about, I’m just upset. I’m irritable, I have a headache, I’m tired, I want iced tea but I’m too freaking lazy to get up and get it. I’m whiney, Giada is on my TV screen and I want to smack her even more than usual because if she says “chi BAT ta” one.more.time…

Basically, I just want to put on my PJs, get under a blanket with the kids’ Easter candy, lock the door, put on a Nick Drake CD and call it a day.

Don’t anybody call me. Don’t anybody ask me for anything. Don’t tell me you didn’t like what I made you for lunch. Don’t ask me where your sneakers are. Mommy needs a little time out.

I feel sorry for the guys. I really do. And for that matter, the kids too. At least the guys know what’s up. The kids are like “what’s the deal with Mom?” Max gets it and my husband Kevin had a little chat with him not long ago.

Kevin: Soooo…. Mom’s been a little crabby lately…

Max: I know why. We talked about it in Family Life class.

K: Oh. So then you know that there will be times when you need to just get out of mom’s way and agree with whatever she says and not give her a hard time?

M: Yeah. I just kinda come home from school, say hi and get up to my room as fast as possible.

You guys really do put up with a lot of crap. But imagine how we feel? We don’t exactly enjoy ripping you a new one because you left your socks on the floor. It’s hard on us. The regret, the remorse. It’s paralyzing. That’s why we sit on the couch in our sweats eating ice cream. We can’t help it. It’s Mother Nature’s internal volcanic hell wreaking havoc on us. It’s not nice to fool with Mother Nature and it sucks when she messes with us. You understand, right? RIGHT?!

For his part, Kevin has it down. He knows my cycle better than I do. I swear he has a flow chart somewhere. Literally. He knows to bring home chocolate and when to order out or make dinner and he finally gets that he should never, ever again tell me to “relax”. Never tell a spazzing person to relax. They’ll spazz more.

I know it sounds clueless, but sometimes I don’t even realize what’s going on with me until he hands me that jumbo sized chocolate bar. The other day he brought home some milk and bread and also slapped the Godiva dark chocolate bar down on the counter with a look of resignation on his face before quickly skulking out of the room. He also knows not to say a word when I mention that I want to go to Burger King even though I’ve been trying to watch what I eat and I’ve given him a strict mandate to save me from myself should I grab the keys and my coat and head to the door claiming to be going out for a little bit. Except for today. Three words: “Don’t do it.” Yeah, okay Nancy Reagan “Just Say No…yada yada.” I ended up having leftovers from the fridge.

But oh my God…the other day I caught myself standing at the cupboard just shoveling the Lays into my face. Totally expressionless. Just strapping on the feed bag in some kind of a trance. And I never would have eaten that whole pack of nasty Ikea cookies if I weren’t in “don’t give a shit” mode.

BOO YAH! Kevin just called. He’s bringing home Wendy’s!

He knows.

What’s this? A voicemail from my mother? Madday!

This too shall pass. Tomorrow is another day. The sun will shine upon our blessed lives yet again, we shall look back on this and laugh.

Until the last week of this month.

Linda Roy is a humorist/writer/musician who blogs at elleroy was here. She lives in New Jersey with her husband and two boys, and fronts the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses. She’s Managing Partner and Editor-in-Chief at Lefty Pop. Her writing has appeared in The Huffington Post, In the Powder Room, Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, Aiming Low, Mamapedia, Midlife Boulevard, Bon Bon Break, and The Weeklings. She was named a 2014 BlogHer Voice Of the Year.