My Two Year-Old is Plotting
I’m pretty sure my two year-old is trying to kill me. And she’ll totally get away with it, because she’s so adorable and tiny that no one would ever accuse her of such atrocities. She’ll just blink her beautiful blues at the “powice” and run away to go do “fips” on the trampoline. And, it’s all just one big scam. Here’s how I know it’s going to happen:
1. She has kept me awake every single night for a month straight. She wakes up at hourly intervals and screams at the top of her lungs “Mum. Ma! Get. Me. Outta. Dis. Kib!” If I oblige, she wants me to “wock” her, pretends to fall back to sleep and then freaks out if I put her back into her crib. If I ignore her, she continues to scream until I’m positive the neighbors are convinced that she is in dire straits and we are mere moments away from the police arriving. She can claim self-defense or neglect or abuse or something genius just because I let her cry in her kib instead of wocking her. I’m so overtired that I won’t even see it coming.
2. I caught her drinking Hello Kitty lotion. Right out of the bottle. Because who does that? Serial killers, that’s who.
3. She booby-trapped her room to either kill me or break my leg so I could die a slow, painful death. The floor in front of the crib was full of Legos and pointy things that were probably shards of glass. I asked her before bed if she had put all her toys away in her room. She said “me did,” but clearly me didn’t. At all. Later, she screamed like her crib turned into a pit full of vipers. So I ran in and almost killed myself. Thankfully, I always wear flip flops and only ended up re-twisting my ankle, foiling her plan.
4. She caught “a bug” and brought it over to show me. It was a live hornet. And it was all kinds of pissed off because she was holding it by the wings. It was wiggling its bee butt trying to sting her. Honest to God, this really happened. And I am allergic to bee stings. Thankfully, my husband swatted her weapon of mild anaphylaxis out of her little kid fists and stepped on it before it could come and try to kill me. Again, genius. Because the BEE would take the fall.
5. Once I caught her drinking toothpaste out of the toothpaste-holdster-thingy. Because, who does that? Criminal masterminds, that’s who.
6. She wears pink sparkly lip gloss on her forehead. Not necessarily indicative of a future crime spree, but strange, nonetheless.
7. She is trying to starve me to death. Every time we sit down to eat, she wants my food. Even if she has the exact same food. Even if I trick her and give her mine first. Then she wants to sit on my “yap,” so any possible chances of food getting near my mouth are thwarted. In order to combat this, I have built up a large layer of fat to survive off of, kind of like a bear in hibernation.
Yeah, she’s coming for me. Or, maybe she’s just a two year-old. It’s hard to say. (Not that it’s hard to say that she’s two, I have her birth certificate). But, if all of the sudden I “disapewh,” don’t totally count her out.
Moms–do you have to sleep with one eye open, too?
