Mother's Day: For Complicated Mother-Daughter Relationships

The little girl inside me has come a long way from sitting in her room alone with her thoughts and angst and seeking a love that would never be found.

Back then, the meaning of her mother’s love felt conditional. It was critical, and took from her more than it gave. But there was love once. She felt it.

There was love in every diaper change.
There was love in the sleepless nights.
There was love in the cuddles of the morning.
There was love in the kisses goodnight.
There was love once. There still is. But the love has changed.

Love for my mother has been redefined into a series of memories cherished from afar. But it lives deep within the sacred parts of my heart. My love grows as my soul evolves and attempts to understand the unimaginable. But it also stays locked in a vault, as a reminder of where it came from.

That little girl used to think she wouldn’t know how to be a mother, or love quite as well as the others due to her jaded view. But she was wrong. Because that little girl grew up to be a woman who is strong.

I reinvented myself. I am no longer a victim, but a survivor. I am no longer weak, but have immeasurable strength. I have transcended into an unrecognizable woman from anything that little girl knew… because I became a mother. A really good mother.

My love is unconditional and accepting. My love overflows into my children and fills them with joy and hope. My love shines in the darkness and grows in the light. And it gives something to my children that can’t be put into words. My love is compassionate, but has boundaries. It has learned that this mothering thing is hard, and we’re all just doing the best we can.

Being a mother has been the biggest gift, along with providing the biggest lessons. I know I can’t change what has been. All I can do is choose what I want to do with it now.

And what I know about Mother’s Day is that it’s not a day where I must seek my mother out and celebrate her with an awkward phone call, or a gift with conflicted feelings attached.

It’s a day where I get to reflect on our good memories. I get to take them out of the vault, tell stories of her to my children and enjoy my life as a mother. I get to celebrate myself with two boys who still see me as the most important person on this earth. I get to live in the moment with them, and not take a single second for granted.

My mother gave me that gift. She reminds me over and over with my own memories that time spent on anything but love, is time wasted.

Because being a mother is all about the love. And there’s nothing more important than the love. And what I know on Mother’s Day is the love; then and now, no matter how it’s defined.

Alison Chrun is a wife and mother of two boys who is receiving her M.A. in Marriage and Family Therapy. She is the author at Appetite for Honesty where she writes about self-development, relationships and the highs and lows of parenting. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.