"Mommy? How's the Baby Getting Out of Your Tummy?

The other night, I was reading a book from the “My First Time” series to my kids. Authors Petty, Kopper, and Pipe put out some really great books that help acclimate kiddos to the various changes happening in their young lives.

Our book of choice was The New Baby. Granted, my April due date isn’t exactly around the corner, but my husband and son were so excited when they returned from the library with the book that we had to sit and read it NOW.

On a completely unrelated note, the husband also found Jerry Seinfeld’s Halloween at the library, and my kids can now pick Mr. Seinfeld out of a lineup. They have been requesting Seinfeld over the Berenstain Bears for their nighttime TV. I don’t know whether to be proud of or worried about that.

Anyhoo, my observations after reading The New Baby with my 4 and 2-year-old:

1. My children are SUPER excited for their baby brother or sister. I hope that excitement lasts.

2. Much to Ella’s dismay, we will not be naming her could-be-sister “Princess Ella.”

3. The kids can’t wait until my belly gets so big that they don’t fit on my lap any more. They either don’t like snuggling with me, and this is their out, or they just don’t believe that I will get “even bigger.” Can’t wait to see the look on their faces when I can balance my cereal bowl on my belly. Awesome.

4. This book started The Conversation with my son.

Brady was enthralled throughout the reading, taking in every word, eyes pouring over each picture.

Him: “I can’t WAIT for this baby to get here!!”

Me: “I love that you’re excited! I think you’re going to be the best big brother to TWO siblings!”

He’s so proud. We settle in for prayers and at the end, we always say a special prayer for someone who could use it. This night, he chose “our” baby.

Him: “I hope that everything is going nicely in there.”

Yes, he said “nicely.” Boom. And then…

Him: "How is that baby getting out?

Me: (Knowing it won’t sate his curiosity) “I’ll deliver it.”

Him: “What does that mean?”

Me: “Remember how we talked about boys and girls having different parts?”

Him: “Yeah. Girls have ‘ginas.”

HE SAID ‘GINAS! And I can’t laugh because Motherhood is unfair.

Me: (stifling giggles) “Vaginas. And you’re right, we do. The baby will come out of my vagina.”

He quietly ponders this. His blue eyes fixed on my bump. And then…

Him: “How did it get in there?”

Me: “You remember that sunflower you planted last year in school? It was a seed at first and then grew into a biiiiig flower. That’s how it works with babies. There was a seed in my belly, and it’s growing into a whole baby.”

Him: “Is that why you drink so much water?”

Me: (Openly laughing now) “Yep!”

Him: “Sooo… did you put the seed up your nose? Did you put it up your vagina? Did you EAT it?!”

I see the look of horror on his face as he realizes he put sunflower seeds on his salad tonight at dinner.

Me: “Um, no. Daddy planted the seed and I will grow it. By the way, only ladies can have babies.”

He relaxes. And doesn’t ask how Daddy planted the seed. Score.

Him: “Will the baby be big?”

Me: (Using his teddy as a prop) “A little bigger than this guy.”

Him: “Does it feel like you’re pooping when it comes out?”

Me: (Impressed with his comparison) _"A little. It hurts, but it’s worth it. Ladies are warriors, we can take it."

Aaaand we’re back to ’ginas.

Him: “So if the baby is a girl, it’ll have a vagina?”

Me: “You got it.”

Him: “And Ella is a girl and she has a vagina.”

Me: “Yes.”

Him: “So you could have a baby, Ella could have a baby, AND the baby could have a baby! WE WILL HAVE SO MANY BABIES!”

I watch his mathematically-inclined little brain start racking up and multiplying all of the babies courtesy of all of the vaginas.

Me: “Someday Ella will have babies, but not for a very, very long time. She has to be a lady before she has babies and right now she’s just a little girl.”

He is disappointed, but soon he will find one baby is more than enough.

Did your kids ever say funny things when trying to figure out The Birds and The Bees?

Stephanie loves words, hates math, and has a penchant for making people uncomfortable with her honesty. An English teacher by trade and a smack-talker by nature, Stephanie’s blog, WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion, affords an acceptable medium for her to verbally vomit all over the Interwebs. She would love to be your pal on Facebook and Twitter.