Microwave Meltdown

This is a short and sweet (and completely ridiculous) post about my life. I’m going to address it to my son Peanut.

Dearest Peanut,

I realize you are not quite three yet, but Mommy has had enough of your daily microwave meltdowns.

Why oh why do you insist on pushing the button to open the microwave door, and then you MUST be the one to close it? And let’s not forget that you HAVE to be the one to press the start button. If anyone else does this, you go crazy.

If you even hear someone opening the microwave door, you come tearing down the hallway; screaming like one of those annoying, famous Housewives on TV who just discovered they’re out of Botox.

Why oh why when the microwave beeps, do I then have to pick you back up (all 30 pounds of you) so that you can open the microwave and close it again? Mommy’s starting to look like a female bodybuilder with the ginormous biceps I’ve added from all the lifting. Did I mention I’m not ready to go all the way with this, because I would not look good with a beard or a spray tan? So please, just stop it already!!!!

And by the way, is the microwave really that exciting? Does it just add that certain special sparkle to your day? Is there a reason your day is completely and utterly shattered if any of these steps are omitted?

I really don’t get it; and believe you me, I’ve tried hard to put myself in your shoes. I mean, I love the microwave just as much as you do. In fact, I actually prefer it over certain members of my mother’s side of the family. I rely on that microwave. We’ve developed a very special relationship, that microwave and I.

And listen….I know your days are super stressful with all the endless hours of watching the Fresh Beat Band; playing with Playmobil on the floor; being waited on hand and foot by some taller, ugly looking woman who wears hideously beastly clothes and yells a lot.

I get it. Your life is rough. But seriously, if you don’t stop this behavior, I may just have to break the microwave, or learn to cook something that doesn’t actually require one, and that would really suck.

Sincerely,

Your overworked, stressed out, Depo-induced, crazy mother.

Kristen is a stay-at-home mom with five children, who somehow manages to find enough time (and sanity) at the end of a long day to write for her blog, Peanut Layne.