Mean Girls: Mommy Edition -The 9 Moms You Meet in Facebook Groups
Hopefully everyone reading this post has seen and appreciated the cult classic Mean Girls, you know, before Lindsay Lohan cracked-out and Rachel McAdams made out with everyone woman’s fake husband, Ryan Gosling? Well, even if you haven’t, the point of the movie is clear: girl is new in town, girl goes to high school for first time, girl goes from nice girl to mean girl, witty hilarious banter exchanged and the moral of the story is that mean girls are assholes and everyone should find peace, the end. Somewhere in the witty hilarious banter part, Lindsay is shown a map of the high school and who to sit with.
I thought it would be witty and hilarious to re-create this map but using our own ‘people’ or the moms in Facebook Groups.
Joining the ‘Mommy Facebook Groups’ is a lot like joining a new school. You walk in and have no idea who the bullies are, which is the best bathroom and who you can tell your secrets to without the whole school finding out. I have recently joined these groups myself, let me be your guide.
1. The “Authoritarian” – You know who I’m talking about. The old-school, probably someone’s mother-in-law, parent. The mother who believes in the ‘cry it out’ method, spankings and those horrid leashes to walk their children through the mall. The parent better suited to raise an obedient dog rather than a two year old. Their kids will most likely beat you up at he swingset after school for bumping into them.
2. The “Duggars” – Hopefully without the Duggar fashion sense, this woman is a fertile myrtle. She is ALWAYS pregnant. She’s the seasoned veteran of the group. She has 4+ children, drives at least one minivan, never buys new clothes and loves the Facebook yardsale groups. Nothing phases this mom anymore and she probably thinks the rest of us are over-reacters. The super seniors or grade 14’s of school.
3. The “Munchausens” – The one with the kids who are ALWAYS sick. She frantically Googles until she comes up with the obvious answer that her child’s fever MUST me meningitis. Instead of then seeking health care from a professional, she will make several Facebook posts to ensure everyone agrees with her diagnosis. She continues this for several hours. Don’t sit next to them! You will surely catch polio.
4. The “Boob Nazis” – These are not your typical breastfeeding-loving, crunchy mothers. These are the moms who INSIST AND WILL (MOST LIKELY IN CAPS LOCK) INSULT YOUR INTELLIGENCE BECAUSE HEY! YOU WERE PROBABLY FORMULA FED, and there is absolutely no excuse for not breastfeeding. Formula, and formula companies, are the devil, and even if your boobs were lost in a horrifying boobie-losing accident- you are a terrible mother for not breastfeeding.
5. The “Plastics” – The hot mom. The one who lost all the baby weight within like TWO HOURS of her child being born. She wore perfect matching PJs to the hospital and Instagrams beautiful selfies with her kids. She had the perfect round baby bump, never broke a pregnancy sweat, and now has all the expensive baby products while you peruse her profile in your stained yoga pants cursing her perfect mom-ness. The popular girls you sear jealously toward.
6. The “Social Media Whores” – You know them. Everyone knows them. You have seen them scrolling down your newsfeed. They love the Instagram filters, THE #HASHTAGS OH THE #HASHTAGS, the shared from one social media platform to the next social media platform posts. The excessive tweeting from the rooftops like the f#cking birds in Cinderella. You see her shit everywhere she might as well rent a billboard.
7. The “Attachments” – The baby-wearing, bed-sharing, cloth-diapering, Mayim Bialik, Dr. Sears and Jack Newman worshiping people. These mamas believe less is more when it comes to parenting. They are the anti-vaxxers and the anti-circumcision ladies. (Editors note: This is where I would be sitting!)
8. The “Ghetto Cursers” – They ask for free things all over Facebook yardsale groups. If they do purchase something, they will most likely ask you to hold the item for a minimum of two weeks, and then most likely will never show up. They get irate when a difference of opinion arises. They will proceed to insult you, probably using horrible grammar skills and excessive CAPS LOCK. They have at least one profile picture in which they are holding up the middle finger, drunk in a bar with a peace sign AND/OR a picture of them smoking cigarettes. Bonus points for weed.
9. The “SanctaMommies/MommyJackers” – These are the know-it-alls. The annoying teacher’s pet. The ‘comment on everything’ mamas. They will highjack every status in order to either: A. Turn it around on to them and talking about their kids somehow, they have ALL the right advice on the situation and you know nothing or B. Even better, you did something wrong and they will call you out on it. This mom has all the answers and the rest of us peasants should just give up on parenting and ship our kids directly to this woman. She has it down.
Let’s see… who did I forget?
