Kate Middleton, My Mesh Post-Partum Underwear Salute You

Kate Middleton, I’ve always liked you.

I mean this – you seem like a regular kind of girl. Like someone I would want to get a beer with. Like someone who would prefer to be wearing sweatpants on the day you eject a human being from your womb rather than a white and yellow number by Jenny Packham.

(That dress is lovely, by the way.)

I WOULD LOVE TO GET INSIDE KATE’S HEAD AT THIS VERY INSTANT. MY GUESS IS SHE IS SAYING SOMETHING TO HERSELF ALONG THE LINES OF: “YOU’VE GOT TO BE EFFING KIDDING ME WITH THIS. YOU UNDERSTAND THAT HOURS AGO A HONEY BAKED HAM PASSED THROUGH MY LADY BITS, YES?”

From one regular girl to another, I just have to say it: How the #$#*%# are you wearing that outfit right now?! Were they doing your makeup during contractions, or did they wait until someone cut the cord? Did you give birth at a salon?

What? How? When?

Every mother knows that for days (DAYS!) after you give birth every trip to the bathroom is a walk-limp through a bloody battlefield. Literally. I was constipated, bloated, and tethered to a catheter for a week after delivering, and you just stepped out of a resort, it appears.

I mean, you look fantastic – better than I looked on my wedding day if I’m being honest. But Kate, we all know that nobody in their right mind should have to get done up like that hours after a newborn barreled out the southern exit. It’s just not humane. Forget the royal crown, I’m pretty sure you’re still having flashbacks from the royal crowning.

You deserve a few days off.

Now go take off that WHITE DRESS (seriously, stylists – a WHITE DRESS on the day she GIVES BIRTH? Is that even a joke??) and sit on a bag of ice. Enjoy some granny panties. Don’t even worry about your makeup, because you are lovely and I think you can pull off the natural look for 48 hours without the Royal Palace crumbling.

I CAN’T IMAGINE THAT THESE MESH NUMBERS WOULD SIT VERY WELL UNDER A FORM-FITTING JENNY PACKHAM DRESS.

General Public: Give Kate a break! Let her snuggle her baby girl. She’s just evicted a human from the B&B of her womb, remember? She’s earned a day off.

And congratulations Kate and William!

Liz Curtis Faria spent much of the past decade as a social worker and photographer. While many, many people call her Mother Earth, she finds that cumbersome. Please just call her Liz. Liz blogs about the joy and ridiculousness that is motherhood at the hit blog" (her own words) "A Mothership Down. You can also find her on Facebook.