Insults and Insights from My Three Year Old

My day today started with opening one eye at the crack of dawn to see Little Man staring at me about an inch away from my face.

“Hi Mom.”

“Good morning buddy.”

“Mom, can you blow your bad air somewhere else?”

Wow, I’m so sorry my morning breath is offensive to you. Perhaps if you would let me wake up at a reasonable hour and give me time to brush my teeth my breath would be more acceptable.

At lunchtime Little Man had to use the restroom. When he was finished he walked back out to the table with no pants on.

“Buddy, put your pants on.”

“But I want my lunch.”

“You need to wear pants at the table. Put your pants on.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Baloney, yes you do. Go get your pants and put them on please.”

“My swim teacher says I don’t have to wear pants at the table.”

“Okay, I’m pretty sure you have never had that conversation with your swim teacher.”

And why does he think swim teacher trumps mom?? Wrong-o bucko.

We got his pants on and I told him to wash his hands.

“Right now?”

Nah, I was thinking next Tuesday.

“Yes right now.”

“But I didn’t poopy, I only pee-peed.”

“Okay… but we ALWAYS wash our hands after we go potty.”

This is really something I have to say??

I helped him turn on the water and he washed his left hand.

“Wash your other hand, too.”

“I have to wash them BOTH?”

“Um, yes.”

Is he for real?

Tonight as I was tucking him into bed he asked “Mom? Who is God?”

Wow, we are getting philosophical now.

Before I could even answer he said “God is a panda, right Mom?”

“A panda?”

“God is a panda and when we melt he makes us better because he made everything.”

“Buddy I don’t know if God is a p-”

“GOD IS A PANDA!”

Okay, goodnight.

Oh, and if you don’t want me to “blow bad air” on you in the morning, give me a chance to brush my teeth. And please, for the love of Panda, don’t wake up before the sun.

Jennifer Christensen is a mom to three, a School Psychologist, and a photographer. She blogs about the lunacy of trying to keep it all together at Ear Muffs Kids. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.