I'm Not Aging Well

I am not aging well. At 35, I am already making decisions that for sure — FOR SURE — are going to lead to my children putting me in a home.

“Hi Ben, it’s Megan. Just calling to let you know that Mom is signing checks with a Pop Tart because she lost all her pens again. Yeah. Time to make some calls.”

The other day, I tried to take off my shorts OVER my flip flops.

Yes. Shorts…OVER…flip flops.

Let’s break that down for a minute, shall we? The flip flops in question are from the Old Navy Collection of footwear. They continually attempt to commit suicide by impaling themselves on playground wood shavings.

The other day, while wearing said flip flops and a dashing pair of walking shorts, I decided to change into my jeans. So I started taking off my shorts. When I got to the knees, I sat down and started pulling them over my feet. Except that I had my flip flops on. So I started trying to maneuver the shorts OVER the flip flops. I was bending them, twisting them…and then I remembered that they are flip flops. FLIP FLOPS — the footwear of choice for people who find Velcro complicated. Flip flops — shoes for people who like their shampoo and conditioner in one and wish that they sold toast at the grocery store.

When I realized that I was trying to avoid taking off shoes that were only attached by the toe, I sat still and had myself a little moment. Because it’s not like I ALMOST tried to take my shorts off over my flip flops. Oh no. This was a decision I committed to for at least a minute.

I struggled with those flip flops, people. Anyone walking in on that scene would have said, “Ummm…do you have someone here with you? You know, like a ‘helper’? The person who signs your checks and cuts up your hot dogs?”

Sure does make me glad I have that Living Will all set to go. Although, I worry sometimes that my husband, Mike, is the one who will be in charge of making decisions for me in the event that I become mentally incapacitated. Because I promise you, he will do terrible things to me for his own amusement.

“You know, Meredith always said she wished she had gotten more tattoos. I think the devil jump-roping with his tail would be exactly what she would have picked. How big can we make that, exactly?”

Meredith Bland is the mother of twins, born in 2008. Her popular blog, Pile of Babies, received a 2012 Golden Teddy Award from ParentMap magazine as one of their readers’ favorites.