I'm Down a Jeans Size

For a forty-something mother is there anything more gratifying than that announcement? I envision myself as Julie Andrews, singing the news from the Alps, which is more accurate than you can imagine because Andrews is clearly singing to the mountains alone. No one is listening. And no one wanted to listen when I heralded my big news. My hubris was quickly met with an equal amount of pragmatism. I would need to go to the mall and try on jeans.

I bypass the looming displays that advertise JEGGINGS, a fresh kind of horror for anyone who has given birth. A cross between a legging and a jean, jeggings are something only a man could have dreamt up. The skinny straight leg jeans are off limits as well because if I can squeeze my ample calves into them, then they are two sizes too big in the waist. I grab a handful of styles and head to the dressing room.

At just the right moment, the size two sales woman asks me if I need anything. A new body? Maybe a mimosa? I am always surprised when salespeople speak to me when I’m half dressed. It feels like an invasion of my privacy. How am I doing in here? How do you think I’m doing? The light is blanching out my skin and I have just noticed a mole on my back that I definitely need to have looked at.

But I need boot cut jeans. And good lighting. And a mimosa, if they have one. I’m only going to get one of those things, so I settle for the boot cut.

I put them on and they fit, and they are indeed a size smaller than my usual. Vanity sizing? Perhaps, but who cares? I have to take my victories where I can.

Of course this information must be shared with the world. So, I blast it out into my Facebook village: “I’m down a jeans size. I just thought you should know. When I’m up a jeans size, there will not be a similar notification.”

And because I have the kind of friends who must know the good, the bad, and the ugly, one friend demands a similar notification when I size up.

She’s not going to get it.



Elisabeth Richardson loves yoga, dogs, travel, and reading; she is currently going through withdrawal because her only son is a freshman in college.