I Miss Me
May 2013 will mark four years since I became a mom.
Surprisingly, until yesterday I’ve never experienced that, “Oh my god, I’M A MOM, no way!” moment. That moment when the full gravity of your (not so) new status suddenly dawns on you. I suppose I’ve been chasing that title for so long and wanted it so badly, that ever since I became a mom, I haven’t stopped wearing it as an honorary badge; never really fantasized about going back to my badge-less days.
It was a seemingly random moment when it all sunk in. I was standing by the kettle, celebrating the fact that Seven Month Old was finally napping, by brewing myself some tea. It was a double celebration, in fact, since I had just learned that one of my posts was going to be featured on a website called ‘Mamapedia.’
I was mulling the name over and over in my mind. Mamapedia…Mamapedia. It must have been the name that brought things home for me. Mamapedia sounds so very ‘official’ and uncompromisingly mommy-ish. Clearly the name alludes to an encyclopedia. Mothers bestowing motherly wisdom and knowledge. Enter me.
Whaaaaaaat? goes my inner Mila Kunis. Mamapedia? Me on Mamapedia? I’m a mother. I’M a MOTHER. OMG, OMG, OMG!
I’d be lying if I said I’ve never had an “OMG, I’m a mom” fleeting thought before, but it was always a deliberate, artificially-generated one; driven by the desire to feel that reality to my very core, and the vague notion that I was supposed to experience such a moment.
I think a possible reason for my delayed OMGIAM reaction was that I never looked at this new role of mine through the eyes of my kids. To me, I was just the same kid, but with kids. Reminders that I was not the same kid keep popping up everywhere, but I have a pretty strong pop up blocker. I didn’t want to be reminded of that distant me. The me who was not someone’s mom, but someone’s daughter. The me who was a wife. The me who was a friend.
It hurts too much to think of her, because it’s not just new children in my life, but new continents, new responsibilities, and new priorities that separate ‘me’ from ‘her.’ And I know that it may be years before ‘we’ reunite, if at all.
It hurts most when I catch glimpses of her in other people, because that is when I feel the most un-me. I’m the girl always in high heels who happens to wear flats for the last four years. I’m the restaurant lover who knows every new restaurant in Tel-Aviv 2006, but lives in Toronto 2013. I’m the frequent flyer who barely travels; the girl who would spend at least an hour getting ready for a date, but doesn’t have a spare hour to prepare for dates she doesn’t go on; and it makes me sad that the people I see her reflected in, don’t even know that she’s there.
‘Mamapedia me’ wouldn’t want to trade places with ‘her.’ It’s not her childless life that I want, not for anything. What I have now is way too precious, but god, sometimes I miss me so bitterly there’s a lump in my throat.
Do you ever miss the old you?
-Her
Katia is a mother who writes about her two boys (36 months old and 7 months young), and occasionally, her husband, (432 months old). She is currently on maternity leave fulfilling her lifelong dream of writing and making people laugh, and sometimes, making people cry (which was not her intention, nor her dream). Please visit her blog, IAMTHEMILK.
