When I Found Out My Husband Was On Ashley Madison...

By now you’ve inevitably read 100 stories about the Ashley Madison hack, and possibly 100 more about good ol’ biblical Josh Duggar and his hypocritical ways. You’ve probably rolled your eyes, scrolled down quickly, or maybe you’ve taken the few minutes to read some of the stories. Or, perhaps you’re more like me, scrolling through the comments where some are funny enough to give even the best comedians a run for their money.

People are so, judgey! Everyone seems to have an opinion, and most are taking it personally.

Regardless, Ashley Madison and the Duggars aren’t just keeping up with the Kardashians – they’ve managed to surpass even Caitlyn Jenner in the gossip chop shop that has become the media. Bloggers and mothers, like myself, have taken to expressing their own opinions and some have even gone viral – like in this open letter to Anna Duggar.

Yes. Ashley Madison cheaters are a-holes. Yes, wives should leave cheating husbands. Yes, Josh Duggar was right when he called himself a hypocrite. Yup, yeah, uh huh. I even suspect a few more skeletons in that closet are dancing behind the door. Yes, I know I’m being judgey too.

But, I sort of have a personal stake in all of this. No, I don’t actually care whether or not this Ashley Madison hack rips the Duggar family apart, or what Anna Duggar’s next move will be because ultimately it’s just not my business. I do feel badly for her and for their kids who will grow up in the shadows of their father’s sins. What I do care about is my own incredibly awkward situation and how this national gossip affects me, and my marriage.

Because I fell for it. I took the bait and bit, hard. Now I’m left reeling, wondering what to think, what to feel and how to make my next move. I am Anna Duggar.

While scrolling through Facebook last week I happened to see an NPR story with an Enquiroresque title,
bq. “Husband Found On Ashley Madison: It Wasn’t Me. (His Wife Believes Him).”
But hey, it’s NPR – so I read it. And then I thought, what if my husband’s email is in that database? Would I want to know? Should I look? Of course I shouldn’t look. We have a great marriage and there isn’t a single reason my husband needs that dirty hoe, Ashley, in his life. I will prove his innocence! I said to the voice in the back of my mind, whispering at first then getting louder and louder in anticipation. So, I found the Ashley Madison leaked email checker and confidently entered my husband’s email address. I felt guilty and a little embarrassed that I wasn’t trusting my husband while clicking enter.

Then, this happened…

My husband was one of the 36 million a-holes who signed up for a cheater’s website with the slogan, “Life is short. Have an affair.”

The analyst in me at first felt disbelief, and of course I entered my own untarnished email into the system as a sort of control, and it wasn’t found. That son-of-a-b was a registered user of Ashley Madison! Is a registered user of Ashley Madison? Sigh. Now what? First, I got quiet. That’s probably the easiest way to set off alarm bells in my husband’s guilty head. Me, silent. Uh, oh. I waited a while, digesting the big news I wish I hadn’t known. And, for good measure, I waited a little while longer.

Then, I seized the moment and broached the conversation in the car, “You know that Ashley Madison hack? There’s this database where you can put in your email address and…”

Him Interrupting, “My gmail came up?”

Yes, yes it did you a$$hole! I thought, but said nothing. With a nod of my head I signified the end of the conversation, for now. I drove home in silence. He had an errand to run. I opted to stay home. When he returned he came and sat next to me and said, “I heard about the site and I was just curious. I had to enter my email address to look around. I wondered if you or anyone else I knew was on there. I couldn’t figure the site out so I unsubscribed and that’s the truth.”

To which I simply replied, “You know I’m going to blog about this, right?”

And, you know what? I believe him. I just do. No alarm bells. No anger. After a brief moment of doubt, I’m back.

Morbid curiosity is something that we all have and my husband fell into the idiot abyss. My husband is not Josh Duggar, and I am not Anna Duggar. Because, you can bet your bottom dollar I’d have force fed my husband my wedding ring from the bottom up if I believed he really was a cheater, even for a second.

Would you have checked the database? What would you do if you found your husband’s name in the list of Ashley Madison subscribers? Me, a good dose of public shaming and I’m moving on.

Erica Buteau is head chef at Chateau Buteau where she cooks for her family of eight, also known there as babe, Mom, Nonna and sometimes referee. Her PR Friendly blog, ButeauFull Chaos! focuses on product reviews, parenting, being a mom, empowering women, children’s issues (including Autism, ADHD, Childhood Bipolar Disorder and Learning Disabilities), family travel and recipes.