How Do You Celebrate Easter When You're Grieving?

How do you celebrate new life in the midst of grieving?

For the past two years we have not truly celebrated Easter in our home. Half-heartedly, I fashioned baskets filled with candies and other treats. My husband took pictures of the kids wearing their Sunday best but I couldn’t bring myself to get into the Easter spirit.

Easter was the first holiday after I lost a son. It was just a month and a half after burying him. Was I supposed to be happy and cheerful; decorate my house with flowers and colored eggs in honor a holiday representing rebirth just after losing a child?

I felt like a hypocrite for even considering letting some joy into my life again.

Two years ago, in February, before I lost my son, I couldn’t wait for the trees to bloom. After, I sat trying to will the daffodils from breaking through the earth. And since, my world has been stuck in an eternal winter. And I have been content to dwell there. I don’t want to know about springtime, much less celebrate new life.

The bunny made his appearance the last two years, because I needed to do that for my other kids, but I just didn’t have it in me to cook a meal and entertain family. I can’t even remember if we went to Easter Mass? I would like to think we did, but honestly, I can’t remember.

There was no Easter ham two years ago. Instead, we ate at Red Lobster as I sat oblivious to the holiday trying to break through my icy exterior.

By the next Easter, I was newly pregnant with another. I had buried a second son, and was scared that my newest pregnancy would have a similar outcome. Running late, we missed Mass and wound up at Red Lobster for the second year in a row. Was this to be our new tradition? Secretly, I hoped not.

Truth is, last year I wanted Easter back. But could I bring myself to celebrate it again? I told myself that whether or not I was holding a baby this year, I would have to let Easter back into my life.

Today, I took a trip to the grocery store and bought everything I needed to prepare Easter dinner while holding and cherishing my newest baby, Linus. Because Easter is about hope, and finding away to move past the grief to celebrate life again.

Welcome back, Easter. I have missed you.

Jennifer Swartvagher is an author, freelance writer, social media specialist, and blogger. She is best known for her blog, Beyond The Crib, and its corresponding Facebook and Twitter pages. She is also a regular contributor to Today’s Mama and has been published in Mamalode and Hudson Valley Parent Magazine. Jennifer lives in the beautiful Hudson Valley with her husband and eight kids.