Have You Heard of This New Torture Called "Crossfit?"

As a woman, trying to maintain my weight sometimes feels life-consuming. When I was 20, I could wolf down two cheeseburgers, fries AND a shake, and then lie on the couch all day and not gain ONE ounce. Now, if I SMELL a cheeseburger I gain a pound. No one warns you about how hard it is to maintain your weight after 40.

It is hard. There, I just told you.

I turned 40 last year I like most people, I started to examine myself a little more closely. Now, I don’t want to recapture my youth. I just want to be the best me that I can be, right now. Part of that includes my health and yes, my body.

A friend came to me with an idea. She had been meeting with a personal trainer exercise group, and thought I would be a perfect fit to join. I have never done a group thing before. This could be just what I needed! Other people to hold me accountable. Like a sheep being led to slaughter, I said OKAY! Sounds great! (stupid, stupid, stupid).

I set my alarm for 4:15 AM which is usually when I take my last middle of the night tinkle and crawl back into bed (another thing they don’t warn you about post babies – your bladder is deemed worthless). Not this time, instead, I put on my athletic clothes, heart rate monitor and running shoes and got into the car. I am not so sure this was a stellar idea because I don’t think I was even awake.

I arrived at the place on time. Did I mention it was still dark outside? Who are these crazy people? I simply had to meet them.

When I arrive, the friend who invited me was there. I must say she was looking fab. This thing was really working for her. At this point, maybe I should have made a connection. If she was looking good, there was a reason.

Next, I met the person who from this point forward shall be referred to as The Evil One.

She walked up looking all sweet and smiling. I fell for her charm immediately. She was my new bff! She was super cute and so witty too. She asked us all to spread our mats and get ready to start. And this, my friends, is when my adoration for The Evil One ended.

I was half asleep, it was dark outside, I was clearly drunk when I agreed to do this in the first place, and she wanted me to do WHAT? She started shouting numbers at us: 10 of these, 20 of those, 40 of these, 100 of… wait, did she say 100? I thought we would laugh over some coffee first? What was happening here? Why was I following her every command?

So we went through a whole set of exercises. I was on my mat next to my friend just trying to figure out what was wrong with these people. Why was no one asking her if she is insane? She is just one tiny woman. Grown men were following her every command. We went from push ups to sit ups to things that I am pretty sure are only meant for Olympic athletes. I was struggling to keep up, and if my friend said she had done 100, then I must have done at least double because otherwise why is my whole body on fire?

So we finished our set and The Evil One said “Nice set, now start over!”

Start over!? Nope. I was good, thanks. Why did everyone continue to listen to her?

Everyone started another round. My arms and legs were complete jelly at this point. I collapsed onto my face after each push up. I felt nauseous. This is where I must have passed out because the next few minutes are still a little fuzzy.

I did come around, however, because then I heard her say “Tonja it is your turn on the torture device.” Maybe that is not an exact quote but that is what I heard anyway. She had these harnesses and wanted us to use them to harass those few muscles that weren’t completely obliterated yet. I did exactly as instructed.

Well, the parts that I could actually pull off anyway. My only focus at this point was survival. Finally, after I could not take another round of anything, she announced that class was dismissed.

I made my break. I ran (okay, I limped) to my mat. I grabbed my keys in an attempt to make a fast get away. But just like most evil characters in the movies, she appeared beside me without warning. Trying to hide the fear in my eyes, I nervously laughed. She asked me if I used My Fitness Pal because she monitors the food intake of her victims (that is what I heard anyway, maybe she said students). I told her that I did. WHY DID I TELL HER THAT I DID? Why had I looked her in the eye? She smiled and told me she would see me next time.

Like heck lady I was out of there.

Two days later I was still hurting because it’s now clear that the last time I was “in shape” was 1995. The only muscles that did not hurt were in my face. Well actually those hurt too. The funny thing is she has left a message for me on My Fitness Pal. I was afraid to read it and I was afraid not to. I mean, what if I hadn’t eaten properly? Would she make me pay the next time? Was she watching me outside my window now?

She wanted me to come back the next day to be tortured in new and exciting ways AND she wanted me to bring a check to actually PAY her??

I totally went back. As women of a certain age, we have to make time to take care of our bodies. It is that important. You must make it a priority.

Well that and she was pretty scary. I was afraid not to go back. Don’t judge me. You haven’t looked into her eyes. Yes Ma’am may I have another?

Tonja used to live in the grown up world, but now she has a husband, four kids and a princess dog. She refuses to lose her sanity, or herself. If she’s going to be the mother of four, she’ll do it in great shoes. You can read more about Tonja’s hilarious escapades on her blog. You can also find her Facebook. and Pinterest.