Forcing Kids to Say They're Sorry Isn't Good Enough Anymore

Picture yourself in my living room, sitting cozy on an armchair with magazine in hand, watching the following daily occurrence. My 10 and 8-year-old daughters are each talking at me, both in tears, simultaneously trying to explain conflicting sides to the story of their latest altercation. I can only assume from their vocal urgency that they believe whoever tells me first will get the most sympathy. Sound familiar? If you have more than one child, it probably does.

Usually, we spend the next 15 minutes in timeouts while trying to get each child to apologize to the other. My 10-year-old would rather scrub 12 toilets than say I’m sorry. She spends several minutes grimacing and contorting her face before she finally growls out the words. No one in the room believes their sincerity once she finally spits them out, and I can only wonder, was it effective to compel her to say it?

I hear parents prompting their children to say I’m sorry regularly and in a variety of situations. It happens at play dates when a toddler takes a toy from their little friend. It happens when tempers flare at the park and one or both children get physical. It happens when a child bumps into a woman at the grocery store because they rejected parental advice about not running with a shopping cart. Each time something like this occurs, we coerce our children to say “I’m sorry.” But are they really, or are they just mimicking our words so we will let it go and move on with our day?

I want my children to BE sorry, not just say it. I want them to know why they are sorry, and to leave the situation with a plan to avoid repeating it. That is why I changed the apology process at our house. This is what it looks like now:

Part 1: Verbal Apology with Recognition

My children are not allowed to say the phrase “I’m sorry” on it’s own. Instead, when they start with the words, “I’m sorry,” I pipe in, “For what?” This add-on to the universal, two-word, apology sentence requires the child to recognize and take ownership of their actions that caused harm. They are admitting to themselves and the nearby public, that they did something worth being sorry for. This realization almost always results in their actually feeling sorry on some level.

Part 2: Plan for Change

Topping the list of my most frustrating parenting experiences is watching a child leave a timeout session, only to be back moments later for the same offense. This is why, immediately after “I’m sorry,” and the subsequent “for what” explanation, my children are required to state their plan to act or react differently the next time. Occasionally, one of the guilty parties will look at me and tell me they don’t know what they could have done differently. This provides a great teaching moment for me as I share options with them on how they could control or affect similar situations more effectively in the future.

Part 3: Make it Right

Did the action they now feel sorry for, cause damage? Is there something they can do to make restitution? If so, they are obligated to do what lies in their power to solve the problem of their creation. Begrudgingly saying the words “I’m sorry” won’t fix a baseball sized hole in the neighbor’s window. If they took something, they need to give it back. If they broke something, they need to attempt to repair it or earn money to cover the damage. The work required to correct their harmful actions gives children additional incentive to seek other ways to solve their problems than violence. It encourages them to show greater respect for other’s personal property, and it reinforces the concept of accountability that I want my children to embrace.

Part 4: Lots of Love

The best and most important part of our apology process is the love fest at the end. I tell my children how much I love them. I remind them of how much they love each other, and then we all hug it out. This encourages forgiveness between the warring parties, and helps us move on in a positive manner.

I wish I could say that disputes were an extinct animal at our house, but they still rear their ugly heads up all too often. I will say that the aftermath of these occurrences has altered dramatically. Instead of a bitter, forced “I’m sorry” exchange that means absolutely nothing to anyone, my children often end up tearfully explaining their actions to each other and expressing their feelings of hurt and frustration. They are learning to work it out together, and our time out chair is a little less busy.

Amy is the mother and writer behind PlanningPlaytime.com, where she chronicles her adventures with 5 young children. She believes in making the most out of playtime and writes about how to sneak chores and educational activities in while the kids are having fun.

Amy is a part-time homeschooler, a full-time mom, and a writer when she can fit it in. She only misses the accounting career she left sometimes, and she hopes to show her children that they can dream big and become anything they want to be if they work for it. You can find her on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and YouTube.