For The Mamas on The Fence About Having A Third

Toddlers are little tyrants protected by sweet baby faces. You’re twice as likely to get smacked in the face than hugged or kissed. They’re more likely to throw their food at you than eat it. My toddler throws cereal like its confetti at an all hours party that I’m always coming late to, missing the fun and getting stuck with the cleanup. Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to be on this crazy ride again since my other kids are in school full time.

Then I look at my daughter’s sweet little face and the regrets start filling my head.

1. Blaming Baby Fever – From the moment she was born, I knew I was meant to be her Mama. I knew I was meant to twirl her little curls in my fingers. I was meant to hear that delightful devious laugh and be the one to cause it. I regret thinking that it was just “baby fever” and I’d get over it. After a year-and-a-half of petitioning my husband to go for a third, it was clear that my daughter was the only cure.

2. Saying I Was Done – Never say you’re done having kids while you’re in labor. It’s like saying you’ll never go to the dentist again in the middle of getting a root canal. I regret saying I was done for years after my second child because I had NO idea this need would start pulling at my heart. I think it took so much longer to convince my husband because I was “sure” about our family size before.

3. Worrying About The Finances – Sure it’s a financial stretch to have another baby, but it didn’t push us into destitution. My daughter is so much more precious to me than extra dollars in my bank account. I think having kids is as expensive as you make it. Sure, there are costs but you can make smart choices that will help keep those costs down. My family would have suffered far more if she wasn’t here. From the second she was born we were all completely in love with her.

4. Thinking I Was Too Old– I remember asking my doctor when I would be past my prime baby making years. I was 32 at the time. He assured me I had plenty of time, even though the new “advanced maternal age” has been bumped up from 36 to 35. I got pregnant with my third child at 33 and had her at 34. While there are days I think about how much more energy I had when I had my first two children in my twenties, I’m far from pushing a stroller attached to a walker.

5. Letting Others Make Me Feel Bad – I had family members tell me, “You don’t REALLY want a third do you?” I guess it looked like there was no need to have another child since I already had a daughter and a son. Having my third child had nothing to do with wanting a child of a certain gender. It was about claiming physically the child that had already begun to take up residence in my heart.

6. Thinking About The Odds – It’s hard to willingly have more than the standard two children in America. Everything seems set up to support and encourage a family of four; two adults and two children. Everything from worrying about a third child being the odd one out with their siblings to paying for hotels, vacations, or theme parks that are packaged for the “typical” American family crossed my mind. The truth is none of those things matter much. It’s ok to have an “odd” family size. We’re kind of odd anyway and I’m cool with that.

7. Not Having Her Sooner – If I could go back and tell myself at 32 when I first built the third baby fence one thing it’d be this – “Just Get Off It Already!” There are no reasons “not to” that even come close to the joy that she’ll bring to your family. She was meant to be here every bit as much as your other two. She’s the swing vote, the common ground when her siblings are fighting, and the one thing we can all agree on. We were meant to be a family of five and I’m so grateful every single day that I didn’t let my fears prevent that.

So if you’re on the third baby fence, get off. Decide one way or another or you’re going to get splinters in your butt. I’m not going to tell you that you should have a third baby. Every family is different. Don’t let your biggest regret be that you allowed your fears to make the decision for you. Sometimes love just trumps logic.

Are you on the fence about having more children?


Erin Johnson a.k.a. The No Drama Mama can be found writing on her blog The No Drama Mama when she’s not wiping poop or snot off her three adorable kiddos. This frugal, “tell it like it is” mama has NO time for drama, so forget your perfect parenting techniques and follow her on Facebook or Twitter for her delightfully imperfect parenting wins and fails. Her work can also be found on Money Saving Mom, Mamapedia and Hudson Valley Parent magazine.