Do You Miss Your Pre-Everything Life?

Last night, I had a girls-night-out with my best friend. She is an amazing person who was with me during my most memorable college years. She has shared with me my most famous (and at times infamous) moments. And to my incredible luck, we ended up in the same city, thousands of miles from home. We got married months apart, had our first sons days apart, and currently live a few houses apart.

On our way back, she was telling me about her old school friends who were still single, touring the world and chasing dreams. I didn’t really mean to ask, but the words somehow made their way out of my mouth, “Do you miss it?”

She didn’t have to think long. “Sometimes,” she said. “But I wouldn’t change a thing.”

I didn’t wait for her to ask. “I miss it a lot.” I said, eager to get the words out of my mouth. Perhaps the guilt won’t feel as heavy when taken out of my chest.

Back home, the words were still beating with my pulse, soiled with guilt and shame…“I miss it a lot…I-miss-it-a-lot”. But what was I missing? I couldn’t exactly tell. I did not miss being single, unmarried or childless; definitely not being a teenager; not the fights with my parents, the curfews, the math exams, the school uniform, the cruel teachers, the tons of homework; not the mean next-door girl, the neighborhood bullies, the next boy to break my heart.

I knew it was none of that. But what, for God’s sake, was it? I needed to know… I just had to… Tonight…

I don’t know about everyone else, but sometimes, I question whether I was truly and genuinely happy. I mean,I have everything that anyone (including me) can dream of: the most wonderful loving husband, the most gorgeous and amazing kids, a beautiful home, a good job that makes me feel safe and secure. I am surrounded by great friends, I am in shape (or the best shape I can be after 2 pregnancies), I have a hobby that I am passionate about — I have it all. But still, these moments come when I feel that I am not happy, and that happiness isn’t but a far far away myth… And these moments are usually followed by great shame and guilt. So I secretly apologize to God for even having these thoughts. I say, loudly so that I can clearly hear my own voice: “I am happy… I truly am”… And sometimes in my mind I add: “One day I will be”.

Finally, in bed, watching the greyish dark ceiling, the answer came to me. So loud and clear I don’t know how I didn’t figure it out before… What I missed a lot was the “not knowing."

When you’re 8 or 12 or 18, and you have your life in front of you, you don’t really know much. You don’t know who will take you on your first date, or give you your first kiss, so you can write a fairytale in your mind.

You don’t know what you will do in life or what career you will choose, so you make big plans, and you hope.

You don’t know what your future husband and kids will look like, so you paint them in your dreams and write about them in your secret diary.

You don’t know where your wedding will be or what color your flowers will be, so have a whole wedding scrapbook planned for when you meet your prince.

And now, 20 years later, I know it all.

The first boy, the first date, the first stolen kiss, the first broken heart.

All dusty bittersweet memories.

Everything has happened: The husband, the kids, the job, the car, the wedding.

All vivacious realities.

All the “whats” have turned into “what ifs." Well, not all. My husband and kids — I wouldn’t trade them for the world, but what about the rest? What if I had taken another job? What if I had moved to a different city? What if?

Twenty years later, I don’t dream, I plan.

Instead of secret diaries, I write blogs. Instead of dreaming of my prince charming, I just look to my left and here he is, fast asleep. My life is in front of me, like a board of chess. I am the master of it. I move the pawns, call the shots. But is this power? Because it is definitely not power that I miss, but being optimistically powerless in a magical world full of possibilities.

I miss it a lot.

That feeling that the world is yet to come, that my life is yet to come. That the possibilities are infinite. That I will never know what to expect. That anything can happen, and will happen, just because I believe.

I am a mom of 2 with a boring full time job, and a wonderful part-time job as a kids and baby photographer. I am still trying to figure out what life wants from me, beside planning three birthday parties per year, booking holidays and giving baths. I live in Abu Dhabi, an amazing multi-cultural society where my neighbor on the left is American, my neighbor on the right is Iraqi, my son’s best friend is South African and my work colleague is Indian…. Oh, and by the way, we’re Lebanese. You can read more about my life on my blog Robin and Alexia.