Divorce is a Sea Change Experience Full of Lessons
On February 16, 2006 at the age of 43, I started over in my life with two children, $120 to my name, an empty refrigerator, and two months of outstanding mortgage payments. My marriage fell apart, and I was on the road towards divorce.
This blog post is not meant to dissect my marriage and why it failed. Rather, I want to share where I was mentally, physically, and spiritually on that day in 2006.
Divorce is a sea changing experience. Initially, I believed I would come roaring back. I thought that starting over would be easy because I graduated from Spelman College and law school. I possessed all of the requisite educational and professional credentials.
So, I jumped on my proverbial bike and started pedaling as fast and as furiously as possible on what I believed would be a short journey towards rebuilding a new life for me and my children.
However, I quickly realized I had no sense of self-awareness. I was depressed and completely beaten down. I was lost and could not hear my inner voice. What I did not yet understand was that I was in a valley.
Valleys are sometimes viewed with fear and trepidation. But I have come to understand that valleys come in different forms and sizes depending upon the purpose. Eventually I realized that my valley was designed to provide a sacred space for healing. My valley was deep and wide with smooth sloping sides like a deep soup bowl. It was elongated with a stream running down the middle. My valley floor was littered with winding and broken paths going in different directions. The broken paths mirrored my own broken spirit.
Initially, I saw my valley as a NASCAR pit stop. I planned to stop, refuel, and keep on going. I kept trying to climb up the smooth sloping sides of my valley only to slide back down onto the broken, winding paths.
After sliding backward multiple times, I finally accepted the fact that I had to find another way out. I soon realized that the broken, winding paths contained the lessons that I needed to learn in order to find my way out of my valley.
My healing required humility. I was wearing layer upon layer of pain, disappointment, anguish, anger, and unforgiveness that had to be cut away and surgically removed. My layers were super glued to me and had become a worn yet comfortable coat I wore to protect myself.
I had to stop confusing my brokenness with being a victim. I could not carry all of that dead weight when I left the valley. It meant exercising faith during the pruning process and allowing my pain, anger, pride, and unforgiving heart to be replaced with forbearance, kindness, goodness, and self-control.
Continuing to rehearse the pain, nursing my anger, and refusing to forgive left me in bondage. Removing the layers of dead weight opened me up so I could heal completely and walk into my destiny.
Today I am still on the journey. Life has a way of teaching you the lessons you need to learn for your journey. You will not get a free pass. The valley and the lessons it holds will continue boomeranging until you do the work.
I encourage you not to resist your valley experience because it can be a place of great healing and growth out of which comes freedom and release.
Excerpted from my TedxColumbus 2013 Talk “Out of the Valley”
In February 2006, Stephanie became a single parent, with few resources, and no support. At the time, Stephanie had a law practice devoted to representing children in the child welfare system and older women in need of assistance with managing end of life issues. Despite all her experience and education, it remained extremely difficult to transition back into the traditional practice of law and rebuild her life. Stephanie shares her personal story so that other single mothers will learn from her many mistakes and to encourage them on their journey. In October 2013, Stephanie talked about her journey as a single parent at TedxColumbus2013. You can find more on her blog or follow her on Twitter.
