Defining a Different Kind of Family After Divorce

In the hot Oklahoma summer of 2008, my friend T and I broke the news to our daughters that we were getting a divorce after 13 years of being together.

I wish I could remember sitting them down to tell them – we’d gone hand in hand to every other important person in our lives (friends, parents, family) and sat across from them, calmly explaining that we’d be seeking a divorce and pleading with those we loved not to take sides, and to instead just try to be supportive of each of us.

I can remember every one of those sit-down announcements except for the one with my own children.

I’m sure my heart just overrode my mind and blocked it out.

The only thing I remember is telling them we were still a family just a different kind of family now

I’d read that in some book about divorce and uttered the words to my kids even though I had no earthly idea what they meant at the time.

In the days, months, and years that followed, we struggled with defining what a different kind of family looked like – but I think we’ve finally gotten it figured out. A different kind of family.

We attend as many events together as we can:

Recitals, awards assemblies, it doesn’t matter – if we can both be there, we both show up – and we SIT TOGETHER. We take pictures together, we share those pictures with each other.

We celebrate many Holidays together:

If my parents are hosting Thanksgiving Dinner, T and his fiance (and his parents) are welcome to attend, and often do – we watched the kids Easter egg hunt together, we’ve eaten a turkey dinner together, we have sang happy birthday to a child around a birthday cake together. We’re family, and families celebrate the Holidays together.

We talk, Alot:

I get that a lot of families can’t do this, but I talk to T at least a few times a week on the internet – we don’t just talk about the kids though – we talk about his interests, my interests, health, share funny links, and yeah, sometimes we talk about the kids, too. The point is that we were friends before we got married, we created two children together, and we’ll be friends until we die. I can separate T my ex-husband from T my friend.

Money comes last:

We just don’t talk about it – he pays child support and while it’s not what the courts would make him pay, he makes an earnest attempt to support his kids. If a huge expense comes up that I can’t handle on my own, I reach out to him, if Gabby needs new glasses, he pays for it, when Grace needed a certain laptop for her engineering software for school, he found a way to get it for her – we don’t throw it in each other’s face, it’s just money – the relationship with the kids is what matters the most.

It’s not “Dad’s weekend”:

If the kids say “I want to go see Dad” we go see Dad. Even if it’s a 2 hour drive. If they want to go 2 or 3 weekends in a row, they go 2 or 3 weekends in a row. If they want to stay in town because a friend is having a party, then they stay in town – while there is a basic schedule, it’s just a suggestion, I won’t keep my kids from their dad, and he wouldn’t keep them from me.

The spouses count:

And they’re friends. When T was visiting another state for work, my husband texted him some really cool hangouts to try while he was there, when there was a sale at my husband’s favorite store, T texted us to let us know. When something is going on with one of the kids that I want to clue everyone in on, I copy T’s fiance on the email or text (she’s been with him 7 years, she’s the step mom, even though there isn’t a marriage license).

There’s mutual respect – respect that almost wasn’t there because of all of the chaos we created in our marriage, but is now a respect we’ve carved out for each other.

People who hear of our relationship often make comments about “if it were my wife I wouldn’t stand for her talking to her ex-husband every day” etc., but here’s the thing – we’re a different kind of family and it works for us.

It pains me when we meet halfway to exchange kids and we watch ex-spouses quickly exchange the kiddos and never glance in their ex’s direction – they look angry and that rubs off on the poor innocent kid that got thrown in to the middle of it. We’re known to stand outside of the car and talk for a half an hour before heading back in our own direction – we’re friends.

Though I’m happy with my life now, I’ll always be disappointed that I failed my marriage and thus, failed my children at being raised in the same household as both of their parent but I’ll never be disappointed in the way we handled ourselves after the fact – I think my kids really do have it the best they can considering the circumstances.

Brandy Burke is a writer with a nearly empty nest. She covers topics including parenting, planning for college, redefining yourself after motherhood and dealing with the unexpected emotions of mid-life meets empty nest.