Decoding Kids' Emotional Language

“Mommy?”

“Mommy! Can you brush my teeth?!” she yelled from the upstairs bathroom.

“Brush them yourself, Rebecca.”

“I don’t want to.”

I can hear muttering and then the beginnings of teeth being brushed.

(3 minutes later)

“Mommy?”

“Mommy! Can you put my socks on?” she yelled again from upstairs.

“No, honey. I have to get dressed. Please put them on yourself.”

“You never help with anything!” she screamed before the breakdown and sobbing begins.

A very common, and very legitimate complaint I hear from parents is that kids who are completely capable of doing things, continuously ask them for help with simple tasks. It drives parents crazy. I mean, one day the kids are crying because they just want to “do it MYSELF!” and the next they are completely helpless.

There’s really a simple explanation and I’ll explain it as I tell you about my week.

It’s one of those crazy busy weeks. One where I’ve had to fit much more than I would liked into too small of a time period. I’ve been staying up until after midnight, and waking up before the kids to finish projects. Matt had been traveling, and I was feeling overwhelmed. My to-do list was endless.

Friday was supposed to be the busiest day of the week. Matt woke early to go to Virginia for a meeting, and in the evening we had to leave for the scholarship auction which I helped organize. I was supposed to spend my morning working out with a great group of women, and then head to school to transport all the auction items to our location. At night, the girls had a sitter, who thankfully is one of their favorite people in the world.

And this is where my daughter, Rebecca, had had enough. Or, to be more precise, she hadn’t had enough. Her bucket needed to be filled.

The morning was full of tears. And I don’t mean cute, little tears or even crocodile tears. I’m talking huge, big, fat, she-can’t-breathe tears that make me wonder if she’s still conscious. I declined when she asked me to brush her teeth for her. I asked her to put on her own socks. I think the only solid attention I paid to her this particular morning was when I was putting her hair in pigtails.

And that was the problem. In asking me to do all these simple tasks for her, she was looking for a way to force me to connect with her. Her brain is still developing so she’s not able to convey that request in words but not many adults can either. She was asking for attention in the only way she knew how. She was asking for help with everything.

She needed me. She needed me to pause and give her some time. For the record, I think I tend to do this too. When I need more from Matt, I find myself asking him to do things for me that I can surely do myself. “Can you kill this spider?” “Can you unclog the toilet?”

It would have been easy to ignore her pleas for attention and tell her to “suck it up” and “get moving,” but that wouldn’t have helped. The tears would have continued, and she would have still been looking for ways to connect with me, except then she may have started looking for more inappropriate ways to get my attention. What she needed was ME.

So what did I do?

I felt the blood pumping through my veins and the anxiety balled up in my chest. But here was my littlest girl hysterically crying. I took a deep breath and instead of taking her right to school, I took her with me to run some of my errands. We stopped by my workout group to say hello, we dropped something off at our church, we went to the grocery store, and then headed home to unload the groceries. During this whole time, I put my attention on her. By the time I dropped her off at school, she had missed two hours of school. In the big scheme of things, two hours is nothing. Know what is something? She was happy when I dropped her off. To be honest, she didn’t even look at me when I left the room.

Her bucket was full.

Sometimes we think the quickest response is the best. It certainly can be the easiest – for US, but not our kids. In reality, if we can take an extra five minutes, or in my case, two hours, the problem is simply solved.

Listening to our kids is not just listening to the words they say. It’s also listening to their actions. Every need and misbehavior is a form of communication. Sometimes? Sometimes, it’s just not about the socks.

What is your child saying to you?

Kristina is a wife and a mama to three girls 7, 6, and 4. She’s a certified Parent Educator who took the (very) long route to loving motherhood. These days, She strives for ways to connect with our kids, while using short cuts to manage and organize their home. She is a postpartum mood disorder survivor who thrives on helping others find the joy in motherhood that is just lurking around the corner. You can read more on her blog, and also find her on Facebook and Twitter.