Dear Child: You Are Making it Difficult For Me to Be the Mother I Envisioned I Would Be

Dear Child,

Now that you’re learning to talk and your vocabulary is expanding by the day, I thought it was a good time to have a little chat about something. We share a lot of our lives with the world on our blog, and while that’s really fun, there’s one thing that we should never talk about: the art projects.

You know the ones I’m referring to. The projects that mommy spends 15 minutes laying out and carefully selecting the materials for, that you immediately crawl away from in search of an open toilet in which to play. The botched shaving cream sensory activity that you ingested within 2.5 seconds, provoking tears and warranting a mid-day bath. The chalk painting project that ended with you breaking every single piece of sidewalk chalk we own by throwing it to the floor and then ripping the paper in front of you to shreds.

Yeah, we don’t talk about those.

Because mommy has a reputation to uphold. There are only so many filters she can apply to a photo to make it seem like you’re having more fun doing the project than meeting Santa at the mall last Christmas. You’ve gotta work with me a little here, OK buddy?

You might not know this, but mommy spent the better part of your gestation frantically pinning age-appropriate projects that, admittedly, look much better when done with someone else’s kids. Things I thought would keep you happy for HOURS that hold your attention for mere seconds. But all you seem to want to do is chew holes in the toilet paper and try to find the most dangerous cleaning products under the sink. What gives?

As a blogger, mommy has an important job: to give other moms hope that their children can realistically complete one successful project that requires an attention span of more than 13 seconds. We can’t be dashing their hopes by talking about how you hate 87% of the activities mommy tries to do with you. We’d be letting them down.

So, we have to step up our game a little bit. When I bring out the homemade playdough, try to really squish it between your fingers so mommy can snap a perfect close-up photo. When we blow the bubbles we made with dishsoap and corn syrup, make sure you do that really cute delighted smile so everyone knows that you love the homemade bubbles much more than the store-bought kind. And, whatever you do, make sure you don’t dump the fingerpaint on the floor that mommy just washed two weeks ago.

And remember, this is our little secret, OK?

Melissa is a stay at home mom to 1-year-old Chase with baby boy #2 currently cooking. Her hobbies include: eating peanut butter from the jar, finding acceptable styles for unwashed hair and coming up with a patent for disposable laundry. She blogs about her life as a (sometimes clueless, but always honest) new mom over at One Mother to Another. You can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter.