Dammit, I Did it Again... I Went into Monster Mommy Mode

We had a good day overall. The morning and early afternoon were spent lounging around the house spending time together as a family. Mid-afternoon we all drove down to Dulles to drop The Husband off at the airport for his business trip. The rest of us went over to The Grandparent’s house for dinner. The kids were on okay behavior, with minimum fussing, it was a successful outing. We said goodbye to Grandma and Papa and got back on the road to get home in time for bed.

I didn’t factor in the time change when making these plans, and even though it was early according to the clock, it was bedtime according to their bodies. So instead of staying awake on the ride home, both boys fell asleep quickly.

As we got closer to home, I started thinking about how I was going to transfer them to their beds. I figured out a plan in my head: let the dogs out, get one child from the car and upstairs while the other one kept sleeping, and then do the same thing with the other child. Once both kids were in bed I would decide whether to wake one at a time to use the bathroom. (Because I really didn’t want to have to change sheets in the middle of the night.)

I thought I had all bases covered, but who was I kidding? You would think I would know better by now.

We arrived home, drove in the garage, and both boys woke up. Now I was on high alert because I was afraid they wouldn’t go back to sleep so I started rushing the process. Told Little Man to go potty in one bathroom, then get into pajamas while I took Baby Boy to our bathroom. So far so good… until I put Baby Boy on the toilet. He started having a fit, crying that he didn’t need to go, wanting me to pick him back up. I was getting frustrated.

Trying to convince Baby Boy to go pee, Little Man came into our bathroom and started whining that he was scared to go into his room and refused to go until I could go with him. Now I had a screaming boy on the toilet and a crying boy refusing to go get changed into his pajamas.

When I am stressed and both boys start crying, screaming, fussing… I don’t do well. I have been working on controlling my stress level and my reactions, but sometimes, I revert back to my knee-jerk reaction which is anger. And the anger is covering up my feelings of loss of control.

So with both boys screaming and crying, Mommy lost it again.

I started yelling at Little Man to get changed and yelled at Baby Boy to just pee already! When both of them started crying and screaming more in response to my yelling, my anxiety went over the edge and I went into Monster Mommy mode. I stormed away from them, grabbed pajamas for Little Man, threw them towards him and told him to get dressed. Snatched Baby Boy off the toilet (he finally peed) and took him into the bedroom and put him in his bed with his clothes on. I slammed the closet doors a few times out of pure frustration. It was then that I realized how I was now scaring my kids. At that moment I stopped. Took a few deep breaths and came out of Monster Mommy mode.

I apologized to both boys for scaring them. I told them Mommy didn’t make good decisions or choices and I would try harder next time. I hugged them, kissed them, soothed them and once they calmed down enough to fall asleep, I walked out of their room and cried. I cried because I felt guilty for scaring them, I cried because I lost my temper once again, and I cried because I get so angry at myself for losing my temper.

Looking back on the situation, I realize that I created an unrealistic plan in my mind prior to arriving home. I was seeing things in black and white and not taking into account the fact that children never do what you want them to do when you want them to do it. I also didn’t take my kids reactions of waking up and then being rushed to do what I wanted them to do into account. I just expected them to do what I wanted them to do. Of course they are going to be fussy and clingy after they wake up from the ride home. Of course they need more soothing instead of frustrated sounding words. Of course they need Mom to stay calm while they work through their own emotions.

I can only hope that I’m able to remember this experience the next time my anxiety is spiking through the roof and I have two screaming and crying children in my care. I can only hope that they continue to accept my apologies when I don’t remember to calm myself down first. And I can only hope that they recognize that even though I lose my temper, and may temporarily go into Mommy Monster mode, that overall I love them and am trying to make myself better for them.

Alisa is the mother of two high spirited, and overly rambunctious young boys and the wife of a military man. She can often be found hiding behind the pages of a book, watching reality TV, or figuring out how to fit in triathlon training in between all other life activities. She blogs at Giraffe Tales. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter