Blog Series: Is It Normal?
I’ve come to realize that a LOT of parenting centers around one question: “Is it normal?” What I mean here is that I constantly find myself asking this question (to the pediatrician, the nanny, my mom friends, my mom…), either in relation to something happening with Flynn or my postpartum journey. As parents, we desire constant reassurance that whatever hiccups we’re facing are indeed NORMAL and expected, but I’m also realizing that this is a relative term. Maybe the only thing that’s “normal” is freaking out on a regular basis.
When I was pregnant, I was OBSESSED with normalcy. I tracked Flynn’s fetal growth, his heart rate and my symptoms to an annoying degree. I would rattle off at least 20 questions every time I visited my OB – most of which stemmed from reading ahead in all of my pregnancy books. I just couldn’t help myself. My logic (inherited from my grandmother) was that if I worried about EVERYTHING, then all would be normal and on track. And then I got hit with a curveball: It turned out that Flynn had velamentous cord insertion, a condition found in just 1% of pregnancies.
Basically, it was discovered that the umbilical cord had attached to the very end of the placenta rather than the center (a totally random occurrence). Thankfully, in most cases, this doesn’t pose a risk to the baby or the mother, but it is often advised to monitor the pregnancy more closely to make sure the baby is gaining weight and the baby is sometimes delivered via c-section (as was the case for Flynn) to protect against a possible retained placenta or hemorrhage. Needless to say, this was definitely freak out-inducing (as in my husband almost fainted in the doctor’s office after the diagnosis), but also a lesson in the notion of things being normal. You can read up on just about every pregnancy scenario (except this one as it turned out), and unexpected setbacks can still crop up. Shit happens. In the end, Flynn was delivered just fine (you can read about it here), and, as my OB liked to point, we got a lot more face time with our son during the pregnancy thanks to the extra ultrasounds.
Another lesson in normalcy came with breastfeeding. I know I’ve talked at lengths about the ebbs and flows (see what I did there?) of nursing, but there were some elements I didn’t anticipate at all. About a month into breastfeeding, I started experiencing a strange sensation every time I started to feed Flynn. Just as he would latch, I would suddenly feel a wave of depression. It was a terrible feeling (especially during what should be a time of bonding), but it only lasted a few seconds. I didn’t think much of it at first but then it happened the next time he fed and every time after that.
This didn’t seem normal to me, and I was sure this was the beginning stages of postpartum depression. As it turns out, it is absolutely normal (well normal as in it happens to many women). The condition is called D-MER (Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex), and it has to do with a sudden drop in dopamine in the brain in conjunction with milk letdown. It turns out that my mother also experienced D-MER (and didn’t even remember it until I brought it up). It annoyed me that something totally common but possibly unpleasant isn’t talked about more. These are the kind of things (NORMAL things) that deserve a little discussion so moms know what to expect. For me, knowing exactly what I’m dealing with helps calm my worries and get through those few seconds so I can concentrate on the task at hand.
When it comes to Flynn, I’m doing my best to worry less about what’s “normal” and more about keeping him healthy and happy as an individual. This doesn’t mean I don’t have long discussions about upcoming milestones, his sleep patterns or how often he poops (if I only knew how much I would talk about my baby’s poop…), but I’m working on not losing my head the second something unexpected occurs. Sometimes you just have to create your own normal and go from there.
Jillian Gordon is the Managing Editor of Mamapedia.com. A Los Angeles-based lifestyle writer and editor, her work has appeared in Beauty Launchpad, Nailpro Magazine, Saturday Night Magazine and Westside Today. She is also the former Content Manager of Mom.me. Jillian welcomed her son Flynn in November, 2016.
