Baby Theta Pi

A few nights ago we were eating dinner with some friends. As I sat eavesdropping on the conversation between the five kids (ages 7,5,4,3,2), I realized that it was like hanging out at a fraternity party with very tiny college students.

• The conversation got increasingly louder as the night progressed. The kids were slam dancing to The Fresh Beat Band. Neighbors may or may not have called the police.

• Sometimes they would all burst into laughter for no reason. There were also some tears shed and emotional outbursts – also for no reason.

• Strange smells emanated from the general vicinity.

• A child announced that his name was “Taco” and that everyone should address him as such.

• Potty jokes and disturbing bodily functions = upper echelon of humor.

• An impromptu “beach party” was thrown together around a koi pond.

• Several drinks were spilled, but no one made a move to clean them up.

• Someone puked, but immediately rallied back to continue partying.

• Someone wet themselves. That also did not stop the party.

• There was quite a bit of hazing and name calling. Soon after, there were hugs and butt slaps, followed by a really violent game of full contact “tag”.

• The shot girl was carrying a plastic water gun full of “Yemonade” and wore an eye patch – on both eyes. She was surprisingly popular, despite the fact she kept walking into furniture.

• Taco ate a dangerous amount of Goldfish. We were a little concerned when he mixed the explosive pizza-flavored ones with Diet Coke. You know, after that whole Mikey, Pop Rocks and soda incident.

• A Pledge got dangerously close to the grill. Although the patio would have been dust-free and lemony-fresh if it had fallen in – after the explosion, that is.

• A battery-powered car drove over a basketball and rode on two wheels for a few feet until it flipped. Once the driver was deemed alive and safe, the kids all tried to replicate the action and laughed hysterically at each other when they failed.

• My two year-old was walking around drinking all the ‘wounded soldiers.’ She laughs in the face of germs.
• Someone brought out a plastic ukulele. We requested Free Bird. They sang Big Bird instead, and we all held up the flashlight app on our phones.

• At some point in the festivities, Taco wasn’t wearing any pants.

• Everyone who passed out early were recipients of a makeover. Thankfully, it was with Hello Kitty lip gloss and not Sharpies.

• My 5 year-old came home with a pocket full of numbers. (She must have raided the Uno set.)

• All the kids woke up in some random place and swore this was a one-time deal, then called their parents to pick them up for the drive of shame home.

If this is a sign of things to come, my girls can go to college when they’re 90.

Tracy Winslow is one of the top four funniest people at her address. She lives with her husband and two daughters in California. You can read more of their hilarious antics on Twitter, Facebook, and her blog, Momaical.