Are You The Mom You Always Thought You'd Be?

Before I had my daughter, I had a lot of daydreams about what we would do over the years; places I wanted to take her, things I wanted to show her. In her first year, we did a lot together. We went shopping, hiking, to the beach and to museums.

Then before she was even a year old, I found out I was pregnant again. Call it surprise, accident or unplanned. Call it whatever you want, it was a shock. I got shock on top of shock when I found out I was having twins. Don’t twins only happen to people who use IVF? Evidently not.

Once the shock wore off, if it really ever did, I got down to the business of planning. I was going to need two of everything and I hoped for girls because it would make life easier. I still had all of my daughter’s stuff.

Skunked again.

Twin bouncing baby terrors of boyness. Life revolved around getting through day and that life has never changed. Don’t get me wrong – I love them to death. It’s amazing the difference in how boys love their mommas versus girls. My boys want kissed and cuddled all day long and will fight over me. My daughter… not so much. She’s a lot like me and when she wants a kiss or cuddle she’ll come get one, otherwise it’s best to just leave her be. Plus, I’ve added two more children through marriage who are older and have their own set of expectations.

My daughter started Kindergarten and now I find myself reminiscing about the mother I wanted to be versus the one I am.

The mom I wanted to be, looked a lot like June Cleaver. Her house was always neat and the kids were always tidy. She had time to cook from scratch all three meals during the day. The laundry basket was never overflowing and his suits were always pressed, ready to go. I imagined having girly nights with my daughters and taking the boys out to dinner. Having a fresh baked treat for them everyday when they came home from school. That Mom I imagined would always be dressed up nice when her husband came home from work.

Maybe I set the bar too high. Maybe I was trying to make up for the childhood I wanted and didn’t have. Who knows?

What I do know, is that most days I feel like a failure, and that my kids are just surviving and not thriving. The mom I am, is frazzled more days than not.

I live in sweat pants and stained tee shirt more days than not. The laundry always overflows before it gets done. The last time we had a fresh baked anything had to have been a birthday. The only time I cook breakfast is on a weekend when my husband is home to play warden, otherwise its burnt eggs while I break up another fight. The house is always a wreck or in some state of half-clean and the kids usually look like whatever they just ate. I’m not a dirty person. Most people would say I have OCD, or at least I did until I had kids.

But eventually I just tire of chasing a 3-year-old who is completely against having his mouth wiped or I get distracted by a fight that has just broken out in the other room and therefore no task is ever done.

My husband’s shirts get ironed as he needs them and most dinners usually consist of chicken nuggets and/or macaroni and cheese. If he ever came home to me wearing a dress and pearls, I think he would have a heart attack and drop dead on the spot.

My husband helps out a lot when he is home. He gives baths, does dishes and runs errands for me when I don’t feel like schlepping five children around because sometimes it’s just not worth it to spend 15 minutes getting everyone in the car to go around the corner to the Wal-mart to get one thing.

I know that I will never be June Cleaver. Domestic goddess, I am not. But I feel like my kids deserve a June Cleaver instead of the mess they got stuck with by an accident of birth or marriage.

I am pretty sure that June Cleaver would never serve her kids pizza bites and eggs for breakfast although my kids thought that was pretty awesome.

Michelle Matthews-Delorge is a graduate of The George Washington University and SAHM to 5 children ages 12 to 3. She enjoys blogging, working on her novel and teaching her kids how to perfect the special moves on Tekken. You can read more about her on her blog Scattered Wrecks or chat with her on Twitter.