Are We Praising our Children Too Much?

This generation is the most photographed generation of all time. You can’t go on social media without being bombarded with pictures and videos of parents bragging about their children and their exceptional abilities. (I’m guilty of this big time!).

The kids who are old enough to post their own pictures have no problem posting selfies and asking their peers to “be honest” when rating their appearance. One might think, “wow, these kids have really high self-esteem.” But do they?

Although it’s gutsy that they put themselves out there on public display, these kids are constantly comparing themselves to each other. They are creating an environment where one person has to be better than the other.

When I had my first child ten years ago, parenting literature was all a buzz with how important it is to praise your child and build their self-esteem. Coming from a home environment where my parents failed miserably at validating me and my siblings, I was determined to make my son know how special he is. Every chance I got I told him how handsome, smart, and sweet he was. As he got older, I tried to protect his feelings from getting hurt. If he didn’t win a soccer match or chess tournament, we would tell him things like, “You did your best. You’re still a winner.”

He clearly internalized what we were telling him because he was not shy about telling family members what an expert he was at playing his video games or how great he was at soccer. I have overheard conversations with friends about how much cooler he is because he has the latest Nerf gun. Yes, we want him to think highly of himself, but never at the expense of others. Clearly, these are attitudes we don’t want to support.

My son is ten now and he is starting to look to his peers for validation. I can’t help but wonder, have I prepared him for this phase of his life or have I set him up to be disappointed? All his life we have told him how great he is and how smart he is… what happens when he fails his first test or when his peers don’t accept him? Will he be able to brush it off and move on, or will his ego be so crushed that he gives in to self-loathing?

I want my children to be confident, but I also want them to have a realistic opinion of themselves and who they are.

This is why I’ve made a conscious effort to change how I dole out praise.

• I’m more realistic about what I say to my children, and I try to stay away from telling them they are the best at anything. Let’s face it, there will always be someone that does something better than your kid.

• I no longer sugar-coat things when they make mistakes or fail at something. Instead I turn their setbacks into teachable moments they can learn from.

• I not only praise them for doing something well, I also praise them when I see them showing positive character traits. For instance if I see them being kind or being selfless, I let them know I am proud. It’s important that they learn that being a good person is not just about what they accomplish, it’s also about how they treat other people.

• The other thing I had to change was my need for my children to be the best. Previously, I believed that my children’s success was validation that I was a good parent. I needed them to be exceptional children so that I could take my throne as exceptional mom. Heavy burden to place on an unsuspecting child. Letting go of my high expectations made it easier for me to accept my children for who they are. Once I accepted them fully, it gave them permission to just be who they are, flaws and all.

How do you build your child’s self-esteem without turning them into little narcissists? Please leave a comment, I would love to hear from you!

Yanique Chambers is a former school social worker turned stay-at-home mom. She enjoys sharing tips on teaching children valuable life skills and on positive parenting techniques. When she is not busy bandaging boo-boos and chasing children, you can find her on her blog over at kiddiematters.com. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.