All Natural
Every day I eat a Schmole* ‘All Natural’ Light Caesar salad bag. The whole bag. They are delicious and low in calories. Also, I can’t find the same great tasting dressing in anything other than the tiny packs within the complete salad bag. Also, it has the tiny croutons, which are superior to big croutons. I’m trying to lose weight, so I’ve been substituting my regular lunch of hot pockets and pop tarts for salad. This salad makes me the least sad of all of the salads.
Today, I was doing my normal routine: watching Anderson Cooper 360 from last night (he’s the silver fox) while playing Internet Spades and eating my salad. I usually don’t pay much attention to the salad as I eat it. Fortunately today, I wasn’t just shoving it straight into my mouth without looking, and noticed a gigantic bug at the bottom. It was the SAME DAMN COLOR AS THE ROMAINE, the size of a small child and it hissed at me.
Okay. It was the size of a dime and dead, but still, with the jeebs I’m still feeling, it might as well have been.
So I called Schmole. They were experiencing high call volume. Probably because of all the bug salads. While I was waiting to talk to a representative, I asked Lance how I could make the conversation hilarious. He answered, “Uh, humor is a given in this situation.”
After 16 minutes of being thoroughly indoctrinated by the recording (did you know Schmole onions are good for your colon?), I talked to “Becky.” I named her that. I couldn’t remember her name, but she seemed like a “Becky”. Very perky, and she didn’t mind that I called her that. The conversation went something like this:
Becky: “Thanks y’all for calllin’ Schmole, sweetheart. What can I do for you today?”
Me: “Becky, hi! I just ate a bug salad and now I’m going to be fat forever!”
Becky: “I’m not sure I gave you my…”
Me: “Becky. The bug was huge. HUGE. I can’t trust salads anymore! Salads! What has this world come to?!
Becky: “I’m terribly sorry to hear about your bug salad, but we at Schmole want you to know that you can trust salads. The world is still a good place. We want to make it up to you…”
Me: “That’s what they all say! TRUST ME! The trust has been broken and now I’m going back to my Hot Pocket – Pop Tart lifestyle. I’m going to get diabetes! Like Wilford Brimley.”
Becky: “This is very rare. Rest assured that had you actually ate the bug, it was thoroughly washed and triple sanitized. It would not have hurt you.”
Me: “I’m already hurt, Becky, to my CORE! It wasn’t just the bug. It’s what the bug SYMBOLIZES!”
Becky: “I’m not sure what we’re talking about here…are you… are you going to be okay? Do you need me to call someone for you?”
Me: “I’m going to be fat forever. I tried switching from my all-processed diet and this is what I get. Bugs. Lesson learned, Becky. LESSON LEARNED!”
The conversation went on like this for quite some time. We reached an impasse. She promised to replace my bug salad with another delicious (potential) bug salad and I countered with an all expense paid trip to the Schmole Plantation in Hawaii. She doubled the amount of coupons I will get and the manager said that if I stopped sobbing, he wouldn’t tell anyone about the “bizarre threats” and “weird foot thing” I had let slip during the tense holdout.
So, total win.
The people at Schmole are good, I like them. I just know they would never use the information I gave them to bring shame on my family. Also, coupons!
And their products are fantastic for preventing colorectal cancer.
They mentioned that. A LOT.
*Named changed to protect the (mostly) innocent. Please visit Lexi’s blog if you would like to see an actual picture of the bug in question.
Lexi is a writer and stay at home mother to four children. She has three boys who were born in less than 3 years, and one daughter. Her middle son has autism, her daughter has Down syndrome. Please visit her amazing blog, Mostly True Stuff.
