Adios Dora

Dear Dora,

This is really hard for us. I don’t know quite how to say it so I’ll just say it. The girls wanted me to tell you: It’s over. Yes, they asked me to break up with you. Our seven year friendship has run its course and they need you to know. First off, please know we really do appreciate all that you’ve done for the girls in terms of teaching them-that foxes steal, that monkeys talk, and that “fashion” comes in all shades of orange and purple.

We’re tired of picking up the tab. Not once did you ever bother to buy us anything. We bought the Dora trike, the Dora Kitchen, the Dora House, Bathtub Dora, Dancing Dora, Baby Dora, Save The World Ghandi Dora all those Dora DVD’s, CD’s, t-shirts, Dora wall decals, Dora birthday party supplies, Dora Halloween costume, and even the Dora Wii game. Seven years and you never bought us anything? WTH. That’s cheap. But some things have really been bothering us and it’s not just the super cheery theme song.

And we’re tired of being taken for granted. You actually tried a big girl Dora with an older voice and thought that was a good idea? Not cool. Jumped the Dora shark. And socially, you’re still lagging behind. We watch your cartoon conversations and there are always still these awkward pauses like you’re just waiting for someone to jump in and talk. Well here I am, and I’m here to tell you changes need to be made. Look Diego tried to warn us. He said you’d only break our hearts in the end. I should have known when he stopped hanging out with you. He was a spin-off and you guys never really saw each other again. That kid is a good kid with a bright future, so don’t screw it up for him.

Yesterday, the girls started to beat the Dora house like it was a piñata so it was clear to me that the writing was on the wall. They can’t fit in the Dora car unless we fold up their legs like they’re riding in a Smart Car. The Dora trike long ago was kicked to the curb. And as much as it pains me, they don’t use the Dora kitchen anymore because they’ve finally caught on to the fact that plastic food isn’t real.

I hope you’ll really consider what I said. Take out the map and pick a different path. Remember your own advice. There’s always a path somewhere without a dark tunnel, train tracks, or a crocodile that you need to walk over. And please, change your clothes. You need to make a strong first impression and not even America’s Next Top Model would be caught dead in orange and purple. Please wish my best to Boots, Tico, Benny, and your grandma who gave out such great treats in the Halloween special.

Pete Wilgoren is outnumbered by a wife, two little girls, and a dog named Cupcake. Guess who named the dog? Find him on Facebook at Dadmissions The Book.