A Word About Mommy Shaming
When I was in high school, there was a lot of pressure to do what was popular. Whether this was what was right or particularly beneficial to you as a person was irrelevant. Going against the grain meant that your erroneous decision making would be questioned. This is why adulthood was especially exciting. Finally, I could make the choices that made the most sense for me and skip the judgment (or at least keep it to passive aggressive Facebook comments).
But this all changed the moment I became a mom. Actually, this changed when I became pregnant. Not only did unsolicited advice become abundant, but the advice itself was often more instructional than friendly. What’s worse is that my failure to abide by these “helpful recommendations” was somehow an indication of my impending failure as a mother.
From the time a baby was on the horizon, I felt like I was navigating a landmine of mommy shaming. Choose the prenatal vitamins with only 400 mg of folic acid? Forget Harvard. Buy the “wrong” wipes? I’m lucky if our baby survives his first year. Even creating a baby registry brought about an overwhelming amount of anxiety. It sounds ridiculous, but most new moms are terrified that each and every parenting choice has serious consequences. It’s a fear that never seems to go away – and is made a thousand times worse by mommy shamers.
A mom shamer is a person who thinks that giving birth also earns you the title of “parenting expert.” These moms really do know best – or so they would have you think. And while I appreciate well-researched advice and tips that stem from actual experience, I’m a little over these know-it-all moms who bulldoze new moms with their sage words of wisdom.
Since when did motherhood become an opportunity to shame other women rather than support and empower them? Can’t we all agree that making and raising a little person is probably the craziest experience we’ve had in our lifetime?
I’ve done a little thinking on the matter, and I feel strongly that mommy shaming is just fear manifesting as expertise. Being a parent is scary. It can make you feel powerless and insecure. Feeling superior about birth plans, when it’s time to start solid foods or the importance of sleep training can give you the illusion of control where there is none.
I try to keep this in mind when a mommy shamer gets under my skin. I also hope that the more we share our true-life mom experiences, the more we can find answers together – in a safe, welcoming mom-to-mom way.
At end of the day, no one knows it all – certainly not enough to buy the “right” wipes.
Jillian Gordon is the Managing Editor of Mamapedia.com. A Los Angeles-based lifestyle writer and editor, her work has appeared in Beauty Launchpad, Nailpro Magazine, Saturday Night Magazine and Westside Today. She is also the former Content Manager of Mom.me. Jillian is currently expecting her first baby in late November, 2016.
