A Letter to My Daughter's Kindergarten Crush

Dear Sylvester,

I just wanted to introduce myself. I’m Andreya’s dad… and I’m really big and mean.

I work in the TV news business and even though you’re only six, I thought you should know I have many contacts in law enforcement. Jail can be a really lonely place for a little kid. I’m sure there’s no Angry Birds there or Playstation.

What’s that? No, I’m not threatening you. I just want you to know that nobody likes a heartbreaker. Your little kindergarten smirk may work on my kid but not on me, buster. I will not hesitate to flick boogers at you or to give you the old tittie twister if needed.

Let’s be adults about this. Clearly she has a crush on you. Clearly you have a crush on her. Clearly her opinion and well-being counts more than yours does. Kidding. Maybe.

Sure, it’s possible you guys could go on to be boyfriend and girlfriend twenty years down the road. Sure it’s possible you’ll get married and then, only then, only many years later, would consider kissing and whatever else. But get your head out of the gutter. You’re only six.

You have your whole life ahead of you. You need to concentrate on skateboards and baseball and celibacy. Can I give you some advice? Girls will just mess with your head, dude. You better just leave well enough alone. Concentrate on recess and lunch lines and Spider Man and stuff.

Why don’t we call the whole thing off. Just tell my daughter you need to work towards your college education uninterrupted. Tell her you’re not mature enough to handle what goes along with a kindergarten crush. Tell her it’s over.

What’s that? No, I already said I’m not threatening you! I’m just saying I’ll always be there for you. And by there, I mean wherever you are, when you least expect it, lurking in the shadows, ready to show you why they call it a super atomic wedgie.

Take care of yourself Sly. I’m so glad you and my kid are friends.

Pete Wilgoren is an Emmy award winning journalist who writes about his often surprising, embarrassing, and educational experiences surrounded by a wife and two little girls. Find Dadmissions on Facebook and on his blog Dadmissions.