A Four-and-a-half Year Old’s Bedtime Checklist

Bedtime snack

Express dissatisfaction with not-sweet nature of bedtime snack

Drink water

Water not cold enough, request for colder water

Express dismay over presence of ice in water

Express EXTREME DISMAY over parents refusal to get yet another drink, this time without ice

Drink

Deny need to urinate

Walk to bathroom, urinate

Forget to flush, return to bathroom, start playing with bath toys

Get startled out of playful reverie, flush toilet, return to bedroom

Request parent to be imaginary friend

REFUSE to pretend that imaginary friend is there, insist that parent embody imaginary friend

Conversation with imaginary friend about entire day and curiosity over tomorrow’s activities and yearning for new toy or iPad app or ability to watch YouTube videos and query as to what imaginary friend wants to be when imaginary friend grows up and description of EVERY friend at school.

Invisible pet delivery

Cuddle invisible pet

Insist imaginary friend cuddle pet

Request snack for invisible pet

No, a real snack

Attempt to run to kitchen to get a REAL snack

Express deep, heartbroken sadness over parent’s cruel insistence that it’s time to get in bed without real snack despite imminent death of invisible pet.

Sad Cuddle

Request for story

Interrupt to explain that the story should have aliens in it

And parasites

And make it happen in a haunted house


Apologize for interrupting, shift around in bed to find comfy spot

Ask random question about penises

Apologize for interrupting

Complain of being cold

Complain of being hot

Request drink

Settle back in bed

Halfheartedly express fear of the dark

Seek reassurance of absence of malicious presence of monsters in room

Ask for another story

Ask for another story tomorrow

Say goodnight to imaginary friend

Say goodnight to invisible pet

Lullaby

Express love for parent

Request parent inform when it’s morning

Express love for parent

Query as to size of love

Challenge parent to ever-growing love-size competition

Wish parent dreams of something boring that grown ups like

Kiss

Catch air kiss

Sleep

When she isn’t wiping boogers off her kids, Alaura is a story-based freelance copywriter who helps innovators and startup founders to change lives for the better with words. She’s currently organizing a mothers’ social action network to fight injustice. If you want to help, get in touch via Twitter.