7 Things To Remember As A Struggling Mom

A new study came out revealing that 70% of people report being less happy after having a baby. New parents have the most dramatic drop in happiness than pretty much anyone ever; more than the recently divorced, more than the recently unemployed… even more than those who have to deal with the death of a partner.

I know I should be horrified by this, but I’m not.

Quite the contrary, I’m relieved.

I’m relieved to know I’m not alone in my struggling.

On days (or weeks) when I’m struggling as a mother, I’m grateful that I majored in behavioral science and that I work in a field where I am expected to know what works to treat different symptoms.

Here’s the advice I give my clients (and myself) when it comes to struggling as a mother:

1) You are NOT alone.

Isolating is not the answer. I know that Facebook suggests that all your mom friends are SO HAPPY ALL THE TIME and that they spend all day canning peaches and teaching their kids Latin but Facebook is a liar and you know it. You’re not weird. You’re not broken. You’re not alone. This is totally hard.

2) This too shall pass.

I know it’s hard to imagine now but someday your kids are going to grow up. They WILL eventually learn to sleep through the night, go to the bathroom by themselves, they may even stop torturing each other. They may even move out someday. Let that sink in.

3) You can’t make their choices for them.

It seems so obvious but often we forget that they are the ones who get to choose who they become. We are doing our best to instill in them some morals and ethics, but in the end, they are the ones who decide what kind of person they are going to be. Not you. So chill. You can only control yourself. I know you’ve heard it a before but children learn by example. If you want them to be good people, let them watch you be a good person.

4) You’re GROWING.

You have done and continue to do something extraordinary. I can think of no other job that is as demanding as that of being a mother. Because it isn’t just a job, it becomes your life, your identity. I can think of no stronger word in the English language than MOTHER. Because of this experience you will discover your limits, your character, your selfless ability to put others first. You’ve grown and you will continue to grow as a person.

5) Take care of yourself.

The happiest moms I know take really good care of themselves. They play on adult volleyball teams, they do their hair, they make friends, and they ask for help when they need it. People want to help, they just don’t know how. There is a single mom in my church that is clearly overwhelmed but won’t ask or accept any help. It makes me sad, not just for her but for her children who are getting the worn-out version of their mom.

6) You are loved beyond measure.

I have always been intrigued by the foster care system. Statistically speaking, kids are almost always better off staying with the bio parent, even if that parent is a bit of a mess. I don’t know why that is but I do think LOVE must factor in somehow. Know that no matter what you’ve done, your children love you. They can’t help it. Know that most everybody “hates” their parents at one time or another and that it’s a natural biological necessity to assist humans in preparing to leave home. Don’t worry, you’re okay.

7) You only get one good shot at this.

As ominous as this thought is, it’s true. You only get one chance to be the mother of this _ -year-old child. I know it’s hard but you have to do your best right now. The fact that you are struggling is a sign that you haven’t given up. Don’t you ever stop struggling to improve yourself. Don’t ever stop struggling to be the kind of mother you want your children to remember.

Kristin is mother, social worker, wife and writer. She believes in second chances and in the power of picture books. She is also the co-author (with Brian) of the upcoming children’s book, Candy Monster. You can follow Kristin at Candy House Blog, and you can also find her on Facebook