25 Laws of Mommyhood

1. Sleeping babies are contagious. By holding one, you will be hit with a sudden and intense urge to nap. Or maybe it’s just because you’re finally sitting still.

2. Mommy math: Cups of coffee drank daily correlates in parallel with number of children acquired. (i.e. I’m up to about 3 cups). I won’t even try and do the chocolate calculation.

3. No other group of people can meet each other for the first time and talk openly — and comfortably — about breasts, bowels and birthing — than mothers.

4. Water out of mommy’s cup always tastes better.

5. With young children, it’s perfectly normal not to shower for 3 days.

6. Or change clothes.

7. Or leave the house.

8. But when you do want to leave the house, Target is the Mecca for sleep-deprived mothers. If you ever need a friend, a support group — or some cute, cheap yoga pants, head to the red bulls eye. If you don’t believe that it’s the Mecca for sleep-deprived mothers, why do you think they put Starbucks in all of them now?

9. In a room full of chew-friendly baby toys, babies will find the one pair of dirty shoes in the room and suck on those. It’s just a fact.

10. Babies cry. Toddlers throw fits. Cats throw up on your carpet. All of which causes stress, which causes your cortisol levels to rise. Heightened levels of cortisol cause increased abdominal fat. There, I solved it.

11. People who tell you that they’re just going to teach their children not to touch breakable things instead of clearing everything in the lower regions of the house have never had children. I know. I was one of them.

12. Don’t worry too much about potty training. It’ll happen when they’re ready. At least if they want to get a date.

13. If your child is a picky eater — and basically lives off nothing but yogurt, Ritz crackers, pureed squash and Flintstones vitamins, he’ll be OK.

14. Reading out loud is good for the soul.

15. Don’t be so hard on yourself. They will love you simply because you’re the mama.

16. When watching TV or listening to music with kids, you suddenly notice all the inappropriate things you never noticed before.

17. Some day — earlier than you’re ready for — your kids will ask big questions about the universe. You’ll never be prepared to answer them. But it will teach you what you believe.

18. It’s tempting to say, “Cause I said so,” but explaining your reasoning works better.

19. If your children are crying on a plane, in a restaurant, in line at the grocery store — don’t be embarrassed. All of the people around you have been babies. Many have had babies. Most are empathizing, not annoyed.

20. Baby skin is bliss.

21. Children were designed for discovery. That is what they do. Every day they wake up with the subconscious goal to discover new things. This means: making messes, taking things apart, unloading drawers, tasting crayons, testing boundaries, and asking nonstop questions. I just expect this and then I am not annoyed.

22. If you spend too much time documenting the memory, you’ll miss the moment.

23. The great thing about being a mom: there are many who have come before us.

24. It is the most important work.

25. Just when you think you know something, everything changes.

Lauren Warner is the Founder and Editor of 3ThingsforMom.com. Her writing has appeared in Southern Living and on Parents.com among others. Lauren lives with her husband and three children in Texas where everything truly is bigger — including the piles of laundry.