20 Reasons I Thought I Was Pregnant

Sometimes my period is a few days late. After two pregnancies, I can’t help but get a little paranoid. Instead of just accepting that this is a normal part of my cycle, I analyze every detail for signs of possible pregnancy.

Some of the reasons I’ve been sure I was preggo:

1. I woke up feeling nauseous (but it was probably the wine from the night before).

2. I was craving cilantro.

3. I changed my mind and ordered pizza instead.

4. I could smell the pizza guy’s body odor.

5. The smell of the pizza guy made me feel ill.

6. I wanted to punch my husband when he teased me about the pizza guy thing.

7. They gave us sausage instead of pepperoni, so I burst into tears.

8. I had to lie down because I was so exhausted from overreacting about the pizza.

9. I tried watching TV but I cried again because I saw a commercial with babies/animals/and or baby animals.

10. I got winded from standing up.

11. I ate Taco Bell.

12. I actually got excited about the idea of a third baby.

13. I felt phantom baby kicks but then I remembered I ate Taco Bell.

14. I got depressed about the idea of another baby.

15. I farted and it was so bad I had to leave the room (also probably the Taco Bell).

16. I felt bloated and gross.

17. My boobs were sore/tender/swollen.

18. I realized it wasn’t just bloating but an extra five pounds (probably all the pizza and Taco Bell).

19. I contemplated smashing the scale and throwing it out the window.

20. I cried (AGAIN).

It doesn’t take much to make me question all of these things, even if I’m 99% sure it’s just PMS. It doesn’t matter if I’m on birth control, or if my husband has a vasectomy, or if I haven’t had sex in a month and a half.

In fact, the only thing that can convince me I’m not pregnant is when my period finally shows up. Then I high-five my husband and get back to drinking wine.

Joanna McClanahan is a writer and humorist residing in the Pacific Northwest with her husband, two small kids, and two dogs. Her work has been featured on Scary Mommy, The Mid, Sammiches & Psych Meds, YourTango, and TIME.com. You can find more from her on Ramblin’ Mama, Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.