10 Things I Do With The Laundry That Threaten My Marriage

Here is a list.

It’s a LAUNDRY list if you will, of things I do with clothes, things that threaten the love and civility of my marriage:

Photo: Pete Wilgoren

1) I routinely overstuff the washing machine (heck free space is wasted space and wasted space is useless space so stuff stuff stuff until that sucker is FULL)

2) I always mix everyone’s clothes together (sorting it out up front would take time and patience I just don’t have so pile it in.. potential shrinkage of prized garments is just a risk you take.. your fault for not separating it… not mine)

3) I wash dirty towels with dirty clothes (towels are easier to fold and make an impact on looking like something has actually been done so I pad my laundry total with towels)

4) I never check the pockets. You leave stuff in there then it’s YOUR fault (and when I DO find random cash.. I apply the international rules of finders keepers which means it’s mine, all mine (diabolical laugh))

5) I stuff it all in the dryer and routinely forget to toss in the fabric sheets (then when I remember the fabric sheets, I panic and stuff in about twenty of them that end up in clothes for the next month)

6) When it’s all done and dry, I pile up the clean laundry in a mountainous pattern on top of a free table or chair (think Himalayas… the higher the mountain, the more laundry has been done. It’s a sign of achievement)

7) I take the clean laundry and begin a fun guessing game as to which of the three girls in the house it belongs to (a scientific method of large versus small or sheer luck)

8) I fold the laundry in some pattern which apparently only makes sense to me: arm, arm, fold, flip behind, and fold again in half (except for sweaters, scarves, and underwear which seem to have no good pattern so a bundle will suffice)

9) I put away MY clothes with hangars all nice and neat right away (hoping to avoid wrinkles and having to iron them later) and then wait for the others to be so desperate that they finally come to find their pile

10) I continue to wait usually a day or two for scavengers to work through the piles looking for their clothes, desperate and sad, I take all the unclaimed and clearly unloved clothes after a certain point and throw them BACK in the hamper to get washed again thus completing the laundry circle of life

But here’s the thing. At least I WASH clothes.

Not every husband does. Not every wife does for that matter either. And you can tell a LOT about a marriage by the strength of the laundry bond. I’m here to say spouses can GAIN a wave of good will, a TIDE of amorous emotions, and avoid being WISKED away, if they just do the laundry.

Try it out and then wait to see how the significant other just SNUGGLEs up to you.


Pete Wilgoren is a TV journalist by day and a doting dad the rest of the time. He is surrounded by a wife and two girls… and a dog named Cupcake. He has also won numerous Emmy awards for his work in TV news. Pete’s kids are glad to use the Emmys to hang their swim goggles on. You can follow Pete on his blog, Dadmissions, and/or visit him on Facebook, and also read his work on Huffington post