S.T.
wow. well.
my kid had pretty gnarly oral surgery with nitrous. i was a wreck. he quite enjoyed it.
i think the main issue here is you, hon. i say this as gently as possible. it concerns me greatly that this is devastating you so.
this is not a devastation issue. this is a punch-the-pillow and make-a-voodoo-doll-of-the-old-dentist and then move on issue. the absolute worst thing it can be is a become-a-terrible-mom and subject-your-preschooler-to-cosmetic-oral-surgery issue.
the sensible response would be to teach your little girl to say 'they're fillings. no, you can't touch them! ew!'
and i'm sorry to be blunt, but the negative experiences that your daughter is currently experiencing are due to you, not her teeth.
take the dentist money and get some deep counseling, hon. do it now. this response is way, way over the top. do this for you, and do it for your child, and do it for your family. please.
sending you good wishes.
khairete
S.