Zero Sex Drive

I feel the same way sometimes. I took Dr. Phil advice to just do it. he said the more you have sex the more you want it. I think this only works with female. but it works at lest for me it did.

I am going through the same things right now. There a few times perhaps within a months time when I feel like being intimate, but the other days, I just don't want to be touched. Forget passionate kissing because i just know that he'll want to jump into bed. I too love my husband and find him attractive....he thinks I need to see a sex therapist.

Hi S.,

As you can see, many of us go through this. Thank God we are not alone in feeling this way. A lot of women that I know don't voice their opinions about this matter cause many find it embarrassing. I wish I had someone to talk to when I was going through my "dry" spell.

But the good thing is, we all get through it. One way or another. The biggest thing that helped me was realizing that I needed me time. Attention for myself and only myself. I would get away from the house, baby, husband, chorse... everything that would keep me from thinking about what I wanted or needed. We as women go through our days almost like we're a robot. We make sure everyone else in the house is taken care for food, laundry, whatever their needs might be. And we tend to take ourselves for granted. When you're constantly thinking about someone else and what their needs are for the day, it's hard to concentrate on what you want. And sex is always the last thing you want to think about.

You have to make that time for yourself and get away from it all. The best thing to do I think is get some girlfriends together and go have a night out to dinner or whatever you like to do. Also reserve some down time for yourself by yourself. Lock yourself in a spare room and do something you like to do. Make time for yourself everyday for at least an hour if you can spare it or 30 minutes a day. It's so important that you take care of yourself, cause no one else will.

And once you redirect some of that attention back on you, you just might find that you have some energy to give back to intimacy. Try not to stress out about it if your husband makes you feel like you're not doing your wifely duty. Mine sure did. Be sure to talk with your husband about your feelings. As one woman said before, communication is very important, especailly when you're feeling this way. It's hard for men to understand cause mine did (too), but they'll come around. You just gotta give them that chance.

I hope this helps and I hope the advice other's have given you help you find your answer. Take care of yourself. You are important too.

T. :)

S.,
You could have written my story as well. I am just now getting back to feeling more like me and not so much like I just want to be left alone. I know after a baby is born there is too much going on, everyone is tired, and most men don't require much to be aroused and us women feel that everything needs to be in place and fixed before we feel comfortable to concentrate on that. I too have felt like it was a chore, and at times have made myself make love just to satisfy because there was no desire. I know birthcontrol can cause low libido, as can the hormone levels being out of balance. Check with your doctor about this, they may be able to switch your birthcontrol method, or you could use wild yam cream that can help up your hormone levels just slightly and enough to help you feel better and actually want to engage. But I suggest if you are not able to make it work, talk with your doctor there are things that can be done.

I am in the same boat as you gals. I hear it gets better though and, luckily, I have a very patient husband. Our little one is 7mths now. I think it will get better if I ever get some consistent sleep again. I think the main thing is that my husband and I need to get a little of our spontenaity back (which is tough with a little one)

If you are breastfeeding, your hormones will take longer to even out. You will also be rather, er, dry in places and that can make intercourse uncomfortable and later undesirable even with lubricant. Depending on how old your child is will also be an indicator of how reasonable it is to expect much to be happening in the bedroom. Just because your doctor gives you the green light to start having intercoruse 4-6 weeks postpartum, doesn't mean it's something you really are interested in. My daughter was about 10 months old when something just flipped a switch in me and there for a while I was my pre-baby self. Then my husband deployed about three months later and I'm so not interested I'm not even noticing when other men hit on me aparently.

I am exactly the same way!! Of course I am 7.5 months PG at the moment but ever since our 20 month old was born last year, it's only like maybe 1x a MONTH! I found the only time I had any drive what-so-ever was 1 yr after my son's birth when I went off the pill (and we were trying to get PG with this one!) I believe it has everything to do with hormones & our new stress level being new mommies & the massive responsibilities we have.

Give it some time if you just had the baby & talk to your doctor.

Wow I hate to say it but at least it's not just me!! My son is 21 months old and I have a daugther due in March and I have had no sex drive since I got pregnant the first time. I saw someone mentioned lubrication that is one issue and another is it hurts, I don't understand why but it does and it's a big turn off. I truely love my husband and want to make him happy so I give in sometimes, but we can sometimes go for weeks or even months without, because he knows I am not into it at all. I really do hope this gets better as I am only 25 yrs old and my husband will be 29 in a few more days. I hate that I feel like I am neglecting him in any way but I just am not there!! If you find anything that works for you let me know, maybe it could help me too!

well......i am a mother of a 4 year old and a 13 month old. it started after my 4 year old. and truthfully i haven't gotten it back. men do not understand that we have more on our minds than sex. sex does not cross my mind on any given day or at any given time. i dread when i have to have sex with my man. it's not that i don't like him it's just that i really don't feel like it at all. i have better more important things to do with my time. you know like sleep!!! but i feel you on this one. when they can live a week in our shoes then maybe they would understand. but until that happens i guess we just have to deal with it.

S.,

Im went through the same thing! I have three children and two of them belong to my husband. When I met my husband it was on all of the time! After we had our first child together I found that I didnt want it as much as I did before. I had gained a lot of weight and just didnt feel the same as I did. Then I had our second child and it got worse. I didnt want it at all! My husband was very worried that it was him even if I did tell him that it wasnt. He knew that I was down on my weight and with having my hands full with the three kids, he could see the stress of me dealing with everything. He then would find ways to help me out with the work around the house and with the kids to give me little breaks from them and I had time to be able to workout and have me time. I started to realize that I had forgot what a great guy I have. The more he help the more I could appreciate him and what he was doing for me and for our kids. I found that I was still very much intersted in him! We are still trying to get back to where we was before our kids and Im thinking we just may get there. I forgot to mention that he does alot of traveling for his job, so the time that he is on the road I miss him even more! There was a lot of talking from both of us and understanding from him! Sorry if I couldnt give the right answer for you. But i didnt want you to think that you was a lone. Im sure there is many reasons that women dont have that drive and this was mine!

D.

Hi S.,

Most men don't realize that intamacy for women starts long before we get to the bedroom. When you are exhausted and feeling over-worked and under-appreciated, you don't feel like fooling around. You're tired and you just want to go to bed. When your husband comes home, and maybe helps with the dishes, helps get the kids ready for bed, and makes you feel like a partner and not just a maid, daycare provider, and cook, then, it gets better. It took my husband a while to get it, but we work together now and life is much better.

Good luck!!

S.,

Wow, yeah, we all seem to have the same problem. Please talk to your doctor to rule out post partum depression. Other than that, does your husband help around the house? I work a full day and come home to tend to him and our two boys. By time I sit down for a rest it is pushing 10pm and I have been going since 6:30am! So he sits and like right now, naps in the chair, not a care in the world....then i should be ready to go when he is? No, I am afraid my idea of romance is him doing laundry, doing some dishes, cleaning up the pile of toys from the three year old!! Who knows what I might do if I actually saw him clean a toilet or mop the floor!! All joking aside, it is difficult. Just try to remember to be understanding of his needs, lead him by example. Be considerate of what his needs are and then be verbal about letting him know yours. Communication is so important in a marriage.
Best wishes,
M.

Well i will say I have the opposite situation I was married for 9 years and after the kids and too he became all about himself and verbally abusive so that dampered the sex drive. Though engaged to my new swetheart and I and going to be 32 he is so wonderful but after 3 years it's more like I thrive for that intimacy with him and he is most of the time to tired. I got really upset at him when we were on a weedend vacation the same weekend we were engaged for 1 year so it was in a ladies eyes a romantic weekend we were also staying in the B&B house were were looking at for the wedding in July so Let me say this tell him you do this for me say do supper, tend to the baby for the whole evening without questions and you take a nice long bath no worries sounds like you have put 100% into the family that you lost part of you. Then at bedtime once the baby is asleep appproach him in something romantic.
You must love yourself but you must take time to be selfish with just you too and do not feel guilty about it!!! I got lost in the family and lost myself after 9 years of doing everything I was divorsed still doing everything!! HAHAHA Love yourself as much as you do others!
Take Care,
Val

S. - I'm glad to see that so many other women responded to you, and that there are many of us in the same boat! I read your request on Friday, but wasn't able to respond till today and it looks as though none of us have an answer for you... Unfortunately!

I have heard my pastor speak on this topic - yes in church! And he has said that it's not uncommon and that men just have a bigger sex drive than women do. He's also said to the men that nothing is sexier to a woman than them running the vacuume! He's spoken on this topic more than once and it helps to know that we 'as women' are not alone.

I would like to tell you that I have overcome all of my issues, but to date am still struggling and I think it's different for every woman. I've read books - one of the best ones is Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow & Lorraine Pintus - to try and help me understand what I was going through and how to get to the other side. It helps, but there are no 'cures'.

I love my husband very much - and he loves me I know. We have talked about this issue many times. He is a very understanding man. He has been trying to help me get through this as he wants me to enjoy sex as much as he does. But in the mean time, it helps me to just service his needs regularly and when I'm in the mood, I tell him. That way I don't feel pressured to 'perform' but I know that men are wired differently from us, and NEED sex more frequently than women do. And he now understands this as well (I think the sermons helped him as well!) He helps me out around the house - yes I still have to ask from time to time - but overall, we have an awesome relationship and he is more than willing to help me out and take some of the burden.

So talk to your hubby and explain the situation to him - ask him to be patient - and work with you. Eventually things will change, and it will be 'good' again. I don't think things will ever be the same as when you are first married - that's just the way of nature - hot and steamy - now you know each other and the mystery is gone from it. But there is a comfortable 'middle ground' that we are at now, and it's good. I take comfort in knowing that I'm not alone and that I have a wonderful understanding husband who is there for me when I need him. By the way I also tried the Dr. Phil theory of doing it every day ... all that did was make me tired and cranky - it didn't make me want sex any more! LOL I also tried suppliments that you can get on line and stuff - they didn't work either! It's all a gimmick so, just keep working at it - try and think about when you were first married and what attracted you to your hubby and then focus on that - it helps!

Blessings!

Hi S.,

First of all you had a baby and sometimes your hormones take a while to get back in to normalcy. Since your are a first time mom you are going through changes in your routine. You are having to adjust your time for the needs of your child. But remember one thing. You were a couple before you were a parent. Your feelings for intimacy will come back, but you got to want it to come back. Set time aside with your husband. Talk to him about how you feel. If you don't he will sense your lack of interest and will wondered. If you truly love him and he you this is a problem that both of you need to handle. Remember what attracted you to him. Bring the romance back. Just because you had a baby doesn't mean you can't continue dating and courting each other.

I am also in your same situation. I actully got the computer tonight to research this problem for myself.
My son is 4 mos old and I am breast feeding. I have not had the desire since delivery. When you are not getting sleep that is the last thing you want to stay up and do! My husband uses sex as stress relief and does not understand that when I am stressed, I don't work the same way. I do think he takes it personally. I was giving in just to please him but lately it has gotten harder and I find myself getting angry at him. I am having a lot of vaginal dryness. Lubrication does not seem to work. It just does not feel good and often hurts/ burns. I have tried to talk to him about it but I don't think he understands.
I am planning on seeing my doctor. I have read there are some things that may help- such as estrogen cream.

My first piece of advice is to take care of you...take some you time.. I love bubble baths, by candle light... it makes you feel alive and that is what is missing. I did not have these issues and part of it might have been my age. I was 22 years old and made it a point to 'not grow old' just because I was a mom.. I still went out with my girlfriends, just took my son along and he turned out to be a very well adjusted child because of it. But sometimes just hearing others talk 'girl talk' helps you remember what its all about. And trust me in the long run, you have to have that closeness if you want to be happy in your marriage. Mine faded after several years and continued to fade and we ended up losing our marriage. I took some time, found myself and now am incredibly, happy, self confidant and ready to take on the world with my 10 year old son by myside! Good luck!

Hello,
Sorry you are in the same boat as the rest of us who responded. I'm 29 years old, been married for going on 5 years, have a 4 year old and a set of twins that are 2. I don't know if we lose our sex drive because we have children but I know since pretty much the first time I got pregnant that I lost my sex drive. I dread it. I'll even go to bed after my husband has already fallen asleep to avoid it like the plague. I've tried explaining to him the tiredness and the weight gain and all that, but he says he loves me the way I am. I'm not comfortable in my own skin, much less want anyone else seeing me like this. There maybe an upside to our problem. I hear that women don't REALLY get their sex drive until they are 30 something. Which means for me not too horribly long, but meanwhile driving my husband nuts. My mother seems to think that I need medication. Who really knows, you know. Maybe you can find a way to satisfy your husband until you get your drive back. That's what I do, it's not by far enough for him, but he's starting to get use to it I think. Of course I have to give in occassionally, but that can be weeks to months. I personally can live without it. Maybe it'll get easier as the children grow and aren't quite so needy. When we have more time for ourselves and not have to tend to their every need. I feel for you, been there going through that. And like everyone else, I love my husband, he's attractive and he loves me. Here's a quote my grandmother always about the kids. "It's not forever, they'll be in school one day." I can't wait for that one day to come because I'm thinking many things will change. I don't know if this helps at all but keep your chin up. "It's not forever."

I feel the same way. My son is about to turn 4 and have little or no sex drivesince he was born. I had a c-section. My husband still is attracted to me and I do love him but like Sylvia, I feel like sex is a chore.

I'm the same way. As soon as my daughter was born I wasn't interested anymore. He wants to get intimate and romantic and I'm kinda like ehh whatever. My daughter's almost 21 months and I'm STILL like this. I don't know how old your baby is or how long this has been going on with you but I hope it goes away for the both of us.

Hi S., my name is A.. I read your letter and I could completly understand where you are coming from. My husband and I had a healthy sex life but when I got pregnant it went down hill big time and now our daughter is 13 months and I still feel that way. I dont know whether to take some medication or what but I just cant get through this. It is causing problems in our marriage because he wants to be intimate and I just dont want to. Dont get me wrong I love my husband very much we have been together for 6 years but married for only 1 year. I dont know any way to help you but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this I understand what you are going through. But if you figure anything out please let me know. Thank you! A.