Your Thoughts on Cheating SIL

I honestly believe that it's no ones business except her and her husband. I don't understand why everyone is so involved.

it's between her and her husband. It is only between them.... he should talk to a therapist.. because he is being used... don't get involved.. let them make their decisions...

What she's getting from the other guy is the 20% that she is missing from her husband. This is the way my pastor put it. Nobody can give 100% all the time. There's always going to be some sort of fault. He's the 80%. So what happens when she realizes that she isn't getting a whole 80% from the other guy? Move on the next 20%??

I don't think it's anyone's decision but hers. You may think her decision is right or wrong but only she can make it. It doesn't matter what other people think.
There are two sides to every story.
Not sure what your question is, exactly. Is it about the ring?
If he gave her the ring, he did it with his eyes wide open to the situation, so it's "her" ring.

It sounds like she has a very tolerant husband, most would be out the door after finding out something like that, I feel very bad for him. It really is her decision who she wants to be with, but she really should decide already instead of dragging it out because she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Everyone deserves to move on with their lives, six years is certainly long enough to decide. If she can't make a decision then I hope her husband stands up for himself and makes it for her.

Although the family is upset its really not their decision either, and if she wants advice on what to do then she'll ask. As far as keeping this from your FIL I've never understood that, my husbands family keeps things from his grandmother and it just complicates things and makes others lie. Its like no one wants the patriarch/matriarch of the family to know they're doing something wrong. He probably won't drop dead of a heart attack when he is informed.

Its up to her if she wants to keep the ring, if her husband gave it to her knowing everything already then he intended for her to keep it. She obviously doesn't feel guilty about hurting him anyway.

Personally I think it's their decision on what to do.

If it were me I would refuse to discuss it with other family members and I would refuse to talk about it with the SIL or her husband.

I'm sure it's hard to stand back and watch what is happening but there's nothing anyone can do or say.

Oh, dear. Love is Blind, Crazy in Love, Falling in Love, where do these expressions come from? Hairy siuations like these! I am so sorry that your family is living with this...but my advice for you, in short, is to stay out of it as much as possible, and support your husband, only giving quick, brief advice when asked, and don't take sides. Trust me, no matter how well intentioned, since you are not "blood," your opinion can easily be misconstruded by a family member as being vicious or too judgmental. So, maintain your position as the in-law and let your husband and your family hash this out. When your husband has had enough, be there for him, listen to him, sympathasize...and that's about it. That is what I would recommend.

I can totally sympathize with this family. My aunt has been having an affair with a married pastor for over 10 years. She herself is still married. It's been a mess and a lot of heartbreak for my other aunts and my mom, her sisters...but I realize that even though it is terribly unfair, every adult has the right to make an infinite number of dumb, stupid mistakes in their lives. The price that they will eventually have to pay for hurting themselves, their children, their families, and the wives and children of the "lover's" families will ultimately be be their burden for their poor life choices. There's nothing you can do about it. So, at least you are not alone, right? We all come from crazy families. Good luck.

Boy, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family, huh? From out here, (always the easier vantage point, right?) I'll tell you what I think: you can't influence or change what the SIL or her husband think or do, and everyone seems more caught up in moving out of the way of the big white elephant moving about the room. BUT-you and your husband can chose to distance yourselves from the situation and the offending party (the SIL). The husband, whatever his relationship is, your bro/husband's bro, should be offered a phone number of a good therapist for himself. It sounds as if he needs some self-confidence to stand up for himself, or maybe not! If he is ok with the status quo, and giving her a diamond anniversary band would say something about THAT, then so be it. She sounds like she is loving the drama spotlight. Bottom line: you and your hubby shouldn't have knots in YOUR stomachs over the situation. Take a step back and let go. You will feel liberated.

Wow, I feel for you, but all in the end it is up to the husband to make a choice. It is very frustrating to be sitting on the sidelines watching someone you love get hurt and not be able to do anything to prevent it, or help or anything. There are alot of things that could happen and choices to be made, but all in all it is the Husbands to make and all you can do as loving family members is support him in any discission he makes and let go of your feelings for the SIL since this is what he is so concerned with.

Be there for him. She will see the errors in her ways eventually and if not he will see he does not need her and move on, but again this is up to the 2 of them.

Sorry there is no magic solution to take care of all pain NOW, I wish there was.

This isn't her decision---it's her husband's! He's the one who is putting up with a cheating wife who openly states she wants to be with someone else for the great sex("passion"), and he's still hanging onto the hope she'll "love" him like she used to. He's trying to buy her back with gifts, which she's willing to accept. She's staying because she's got them both! No wonder she can't choose! Great sex and diamond rings---what a deal! Tell him to kick her to the curb with the rest of the trash!!

She's living in a bubble, visualizing a what-if life with her lover. Of course that seems more passionate and exciting... they sneak around and make time just for the two of them... But they've never had to juggle the mundane aspects of life together--work stress, paying bills, parenthood, doctor visits, household demands, chores. At some point, we all have to grow up. Adult life isn't exciting everyday. She's making her bed... when its all said and done, let her lie in it.

She doesn't seem to have true respect her husband. Perhaps she never did... Perhaps she got married to him too young (or to say it differently, when she was too immature) and wasn't really in love with him. It is her husband's choice on whether he moves on or gets emotionally abused and financially used. However, she has been having an affair longer with the other guy longer than she was married to her husband without cheating. I don't think there is much of their marriage to salvage.

My thoughts.... stay out of it. Let her and her husband work it out amongst themselves.

It sounds to me like she doesn't exactly know what she wants and for now, she "thinks" she's getting the best of both worlds. And comes and goes as she pleases. Her boyfriend sounds as though he wants things kept on the downlow so she may be putting more hopes in that relationship than he is.

To be honest, if her own husband keeps forgiving her, there's not much anyone can do. It's his marriage and his choice to put up with her. He gave her an anniversary band, it sounds like he wants things to work out.

I've seen women think they can have two men as if there's nothing wrong with it. This one gives her one thing and the other gives her something else.
I personally think it's due to something lacking in the woman herself that she's hoping can be filled by others with no regard for the consequences.
It's as though she can feel more special or thinks this shows increased self esteem to have two men who want her.
The instances I'm aware of, the men grew tired of it and the woman ended up with no one and was completely shocked because she never considered that possibility, as if everyone would do what she wanted until SHE made up her mind. How dare they decide they didn't want her anymore? That's not how it was supposed to work.
There are lots of men who cheat and do the same thing. It's like they actually think their wives and girlfriends should stick around and vie for his affections until he decides what he really wants. Until somebody puts their foot down, there's no huge incentive to make a choice.
In your situation, if boyfriend dumps your SIL, she'll run back to her husband. If husband dumps her, she'll run to boyfriend. I'm guessing that she thinks she can't lose.
She may find out the hard way that she can. But for now, what her husband puts up with and is willing to forgive is his business.
Only time will tell how long he's willing to take it.

Best wishes.

Oh My - How heartbreaking. This is a bad position for everyone to be in. I think she needs to choose soon also. I've never had this happen to any of my family members or friends before, but it has to be soooo hard. Ultimately, it's her choice. Whether she makes it now or later, to be w/the hubby or the boyfriend... not one step of the way will be easy for anyone. Just be there for the husband (your loved on)... and that's all you can do.

Good Luck - Stay Strong!

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i think she should be told to leave..she should give back the ring too.. she is cheating..hello..bye bye..if she's in love with some other guy then she should be with him and your BIL or brother should move on..she will keep on cheating and your BIL will be in a loveless marriage for the rest of his life..also she will most likely be dumped by the other man..and then have nothing..come running back to your BIL..she doesn't want to be alone so she's stringing BIL on..as a "just in case" the other guy doesn't work out..if your husband was cheating on you..and said he felt more passion with the other woman and was thinking of leaving etc..would you want him to stay? My son's father did this when my son was 3 months b/c he felt he wasn't getting enough attention...i was distraught..even though i wasn't in love with him anymore..b/c i was scared..now i'm SO glad i'm not with him..i have a new boyfriend who is a million times better...for men its easier to find a new woman than it is for a woman to find a new man ..i predict your BIL will let her go and find a new woman who will be faithful and his cheating wife will run after this passionate guy..and once she's single he won't want her anymore and she will try to get your BIL back..i'm 45..i've seen this scenario a lot in my life.

good luck to him..

dd