Young Love and Dating Boundaries...

Let him decide. You can tell him that you think he is making a foolish decision but really it is his choice to make. When there is no spring lacrosse he will likely see the error of his ways. Lesson learned hopefully.

15 is too young to be in a committed relationship but kids try it anyway. He will either realize that communication and compromise are key to successful relationships or realize that being single or just casually dating is a lot more fun.

He has a perfect way to handle this...put the blame on his parents who are making him go to tryouts first. My mom used to let me use her as an excuse now and then through high school for things like this and it was fine. Plus, really, he should go to tryouts. As a parent I'd probably insist. You have veto power. I can't imagine having him pay all season over her poor planning.

My daughter is 15. Luckily, we have a good relationship--most of the time--and she talks to me. She sometimes tells me that her boyfriend is upset because she did something else or she didn;t respond to his text or he got upset becuase she sent to practice. I know that she sometimes places negatives upon herself, takes things wrong. Howevr, I do tell her that she needs to decide what SHE wants. She needs to make room in her life for different things, for friends, and things to happen. She told me that she was considering not going for track. Warning bells hit big time. Not just because she loves to run but becausae that is one of her outlets. I cannot imagine what life at home would be like if she did not have it. I have talked to her. I have talked to her about her own wishes for herself, and I have talked to her about abusive relationships. Emotional, physical, etc. That is really all I can do. Unless she is in danger, I cannot make her decisions for her. I have to stand by, help when she seeks it, and let her decide how this will play out.

Sounds like that is what you need to do. The kids need to learn to compromise and realize that sometimes, you have to work around things.

BTW, DDs boyfriend is lucky I like him and has even come to me for info/advise etc will talk things out.

ETA: I am a little surprised that I am in the minority on this. I think that as parents, our role is to guide them in making their best choices, not let them learn the hard way - not at 15, anyway. In this case, it is not worth missing out on a whole season of a sport to satisfy a demanding girlfriend.

I would tell my son that he was going to the lacrosse tryouts, and that he was going to be late for the party. I would tell him that he could use mom as an excuse for why he had to go late to the party, if he needed to.

I would also tell him that he might want to reconsider a girlfriend who flipped out over something so trivial as being late to an *all day*! party, and who expected him to skip a whole season of lacrosse for her all day party.

At 15, you still have a reasonable amount of control over your son. No way would I allow my kid to miss the tryouts for a sport he loves to satisfy the whims of his demanding girlfriend.

You will probably have to be the bad guy on this, since hubby won't get involved. I strongly disagree with your hubby, and with everyone else who thinks you should stay out of it.

p.s. If the situation were reversed, and this was a 15 year old girl being forced to miss her tryouts for her demanding boyfriend, would we be okay with that? Certainly not. I'm all for life lessons -- they are fundamental to my parenting philosophies -- (and I so rarely disagree with my beloved Suz), but there are two ways to learn life lessons: by doing, and by not doing. At this age, the more productive way to learn this lesson, imo, is for the boy to play his season of lacrosse, and thinking all the while, 'I'm so glad I didn't miss out on this because of that party.' Then next time he's in a similar situation, he will have a better understanding of why he should not kowtow to the whims/demands of others.

Not sure if I would lay down any laws at 15. But Maybe. My kids are much younger.

I'm not a fan of the young teens having serious relationships. My parents did not condone it when I was in high school and I'm glad. It was very clear that those years were for gaining skills and preparing for college and working and saving money. Not for getting mired down in serious relationships. 15-year-olds acting this way ...to me...is not cool. I would be very sad if my son was going to miss those tryouts.

Would I force him to go? Maybe. Would I contact little missy and tell her why her party is not more important than his tryouts? TEMPTING...but probably not.

I would be very honest and clear with my son about why he should do the tryouts in my experienced opinion. In life, boundaries are healthy and important, and often we have to miss things for other more important things. His girlfriend needs to know this. And so does he.

Then I guess I might leave it up to him. But oooooh, I'd be fumin' mad about the whole thing. Her party will be forgotten in a week or two and he won't be on the team. She wins. Yay for her. (boo)

ps "whole day long party and photos and guilt trips to people with tryouts for teams who might be late".... Spoiled much? Sorry, but red flag.

Oh, and no matter what he decides? No scapegoats! My biggest fear is that my kids will be weak willed at confrontation like their dad. :( I would tell him he can decide to give up his tryouts and live with those consequences, or he can tell his girlfriend he will be late because he has tryouts. 15 is old enough for that.

Seems to me any girl who did not greet him with open arms when he arrives to the party and ask him how he did at tryouts is NOT good enough for your son.

What it all comes down to is that you cannot control this situation. I would gently guide your son to do what he feels is best while maintaining good and healthy boundaries.

Don't fight with your hubby about this. You're too emotionally involved. This is your son's relationship, not yours. He's right. Let your son choose, experience the results of his choices, and no matter what happens, be careful about the advice that you give. These "training wheels" relationships are the building blocks for more serious relationships in the future.

I would simply not allow him to go to the party until after the try outs. I am the Mom, I set the rules. If she has an issue with that then she can take it up with me, but my son would be trying out for the team before going to any party. And you might want to talk to him about how one sided relationships with selfish people end up hurting the one who gives and gives because the other one will never do anything but take if given the chance. She should not expect him to be there if she could not be bothered to be there for him.

One of the hardest things to do as a parent of teens is to let them fail. If he misses Lacrosse tryouts well then, he made his choice and will suffer the consequences.
You are too emotionally involved in this. I get that you are frustrated but as Christy Lee said you really have no control here, so let it go and let him screw up. That's how young people learn and grow. And when he DOES learn his lesson don't say I told you so, but talk to him about his choices, what he learned from those choices and how he can make a better decision next time.
This is NOT worth fighting with your husband about. Take your frustration out at the gym or go get a strong cocktail with a girlfriend and vent there, that's what I do!

I think it's far bettter for him to learn that satisfying a demanding girlfriend is trouble now, when the consequences are small.

That said, I like the idea of just listening and giving gentle guidance. Yes, if one party respected the other, these sorts of ultimatums wouldn't be happening. Funny thing, they are each expecting the other to make them their world revolve around them (your son didn't want her to have a party if he couldn't come, he can't believe she's scheduling while he has try-outs she can't believe he would go to tryouts instead of focusing on her while she's going to have plenty of other friends around; she prioritized her own sport ahead of the formal so he can't go....)

All of this will come to a head at some point. Or not. This may one day be the girl he marries, or not. All I'm saying is just give good guidance and support for him without saying anything negative about her as a person. "Yeah, it's hard to have to choose" instead of "she's being unreasonable". He DOES have to make a choice. Your husband understands the value of letting him learn early on. The only time I interfere with my son's friendships is when there's a safety/moral issue and that helps a lot. He learns far better from experience -- and he'll be 8 in a few months. Be confident your son has those skills too!

They are too young to be connected at the hip.
It's a birthday.
There will be many more - and a WHOLE DAY celebration and demanding a whole day from your son is too much.
She's not the freaking Queen of England.
If she doesn't want to go to a dance - and he does - then he should ask someone else - why does she get to hold him in reserve?
They are not engaged - and they BOTH should be seeing other people.
He needs to do his team stuff and he'll get there when he gets there.
She can flip out if she wants to but if she's that dramatic - she needs to back off and quit thinking her telepathy is enough in the communication department.
She has her priorities and your son has his - he needs to stand up for himself sometimes.

I agree with your husband on this. I know it will be hard to watch him live with the decisions of his life but it is his life. He gets to pick and choose and living with the consequences. Good news, he is till very young and can do the sports next year if he chooses too.

My bioson choose the girl over football in his junior year. We were forced to pull him from the sport because he was breaking house rules. Him and the girl actually ended up going to the same college. They broke up less than a year into their freshman year. He is now a second semester junior and is doing well. They just fizzled out. She smothered him and he broke free of her clingyness. The best thing you can do is talk to your son about what he thinks a successful relationship looks like.

Fall back and be there to catch him when the fall happens and it will. It always does at 15. Let him live with the consequences of his actions. Also don't let him blame her for the eventual breakup to accept his role in it.

UPDATED
I see others have recommended your son use you as an excuse. He certainly could but that doesn't guarantee he will try his best for the team if his mind and resolve are elsewhere. One day he won't be a boyfriend he will be a husband and don't you hate when they aren't upfront but use excuses like I have to work or whatever instead of their truth?
She gets to plan her party and suffer the consequences of her plans and he does too. It's not the end of the world. It's life and as parents while they are under our protective umbrella we must teach them how to deal with the triumphs and failures, highs and lows, and peaks and valleys of the rythm of life.

I want to amend my original post.

At one point with our daughter, she and I came to an agreement that if I had concerns OR a SUGGESTIONS, I could word it as, "These are my concerns" or "I have something for you to consider".

I PROMISED that I would not take it personally if she went in another direction, nor would I say "I told you so" if her final decision did not have a great outcome. This still defines our relationship and she is now 26. This is a good time to let him know you think he can make good choices, but you may have some concerns or things for him to consider, but in the end it is going to be his decision.

Mom, let them figure this out.

This is a good way for him to learn how to make his own choices.
You and I know what we think he should do, but this is a very important learning experience.

If he makes the choice and regrets it later, he can blame himself. I know very well this is so hard for you to let him make this decision, but also a perfect time. In a couple of years he will be in college with no mommy around to give her opinion. Let him have this, it is time.

Obviously, this girl is very important to him and his feelings are deep or he wouldn't be giving in so easily. He can absolutely use you as the excuse and he can go late. It is what it is - you're the mom, you make the rules.

I agree he shouldn't miss tryouts because of her poor planning, but I would allow my children to use me as the scapegoat for it.

I would also work with him on how to be more vocal in the relationship. Not to cause fights, but how to stand up for himself respectfully and not allow her to run the show.

At 15, I'm still going to be pretty involved in helping him sort through this situation.

I disagree with missing lacrosse tryouts for the party, especially if he wants to do the sport. Her party should not have been scheduled around him anyway - they are too young for that imho.

A big point to the teen years is to figure out who YOU are. It's hard to do that when you're wrapped up in somebody else's life, particularly the life of another teenager who is also trying to figure things out.

I would want some distance between them (without being obvious about it - that will only push them together).

While I agree that you cannot control the situation or make these decisions for your son, I don't think that means you *cannot* talk with your son about this. That's what parents do: They talk. They guide. He's 15! not 18, and he's had little experience in life navigating these kinds of situations. I think it is a parent's responsibility to be a resource for our kids, and there is a VAST difference between being a resource and a support and trying to micromanage every aspect of their social lives.

So, here's the difference in your case: you say you're "upset with my son for caving so easily." Well, if you want to help your son learn from this experience and be a support as he makes his decision, you have to put your "upset" down because if you approach it from that angle, then it's about you. And that's where you don't want to go because that gets into controlling, micro-managing, etc.

Rather than getting into a discussion about the relevance and longevity of high school romances, or a tit-for-tat recollection of who did what to whom, use this situation as an opportunity to guide your son through mature decision-making. Specifically, what does HE want to do? Maybe he really wants to be at the party and doesn't care as much about spring lacrosse. OR, maybe he does want to play lacrosse but doesn't have much experience in situations where he has to prioritize his wants and needs relative to the wants and needs of others who are close to him. This is a life skill we all have to learn, and there isn't always a perfect answer.

Ask him if he's still working on his decision and if he'd like to talk about it. If he says yes, let him take the lead and talk about his feelings related to the various choices he has to make. Just be there. If he doesn't want to talk, then you let him make his choice and deal with the consequences.

Good luck. It's a delicate balance of being there and letting go during these middle teen years.

J. F.

It is obvious that this girl is important to your son. You have to remember that you are viewing this relationship through the filter of an experienced adult. He is just starting to gain his own experiences. As we all do, he will continue to learn about relationships throughout his entire life. We can try to give guidance, but ultimately we have to let their own raw emotions be the guide to their romantic lives.

As far as the tryouts, you are well within your rights as a parent to tell him he has to attend the tryout. School activities come before birthday parties.

I feel the opposite - no tryouts, he grounded. No party or anything that weekend.

Although I understand the feelings behind if he misses it, he learns the lesson. But I think that as a parent, you need to show him the way. He's 15 and needs your support. Let him know that the decisions he makes influence the future and remind him, when she is being, a well, 15 year old selfish girl, why you MADE him go to lacrosse.

Perhaps in teaching him, you'll teach her a lesson about it not being all about her all the time. And let him know that he needs to be his own person and make his own rules and compromise.

Raises Hand. A vote for your husband's plan.

;)

i'd be pretty butthurt at the prospect of my kid missing out on a sport he loves to accommodate a party for anybody, gf or not. but boy howdy, are you all up in his bidness! all involved in all their little spats, deciding just how much or little your son should compromise to work with *his* relationship, and now 'livid' and battling your husband over it.
i was an involved mom, and had a pretty good handle on the feel and flow of my kids' relationships, but i didn't loom over them nearly to this degree.
i read ahead and have to say i really hate all the suggestions to 'use you as the excuse'. i think it's bad policy all round, from kids to oldsters, and it aggravates me how often grown adults do this and advocate it here.
my strategy in this situation would be to have a serious, adult-to-adult-in-training conversation with my son......the key being an actual conversation in which he gets heard and respected, not told what to do. very few kids are born knowing how to set relationship boundaries, and i very much appreciate that you're wringing your hands over the prospect of him missing out on something important. but this is a big learning opportunity, and it works no matter how it plays out. maybe the lesson he'll choose to learn is how to set boundaries lovingly with his chickadee. maybe it will be how to handle his loss over not playing a sport in the spring (and however important that sport is, unless you think he's going to the olympics, it's not as important as a Big Life Lesson.) maybe it will be to listen to mom more.
maybe it will be how to set boundaries with mom so she's not so tightly wrapped around his every move.
so i would absolutely express my concerns very openly and honestly with my kid, but i would leave the decision up to him. he's not considering dropping out of school, or having sex with prostitutes, or dealing drugs out of his locker. you've got to let kids make judgment calls, and yeah, sometimes deal with consequences they don't like.
khairete
S.

Let them figure it out. If they exclude each other, so be it. If they have conflicts about dances and parties and team practices, so be it. You can encourage him not to text when angry (and to have less communication via text overall - go for face-to-face). But just as you told him he had no say over her party date, she has no right to tell him he can't go to the prom because she'll be away. He has sports/activities, so does she. They're hormonal, they don't know how to have an ongoing relationship, they may even be sort of itching for other relationships. Let them have it that way. Be a sounding board if your son asks for advice, and make sure his texts are not offensive or bullying (if they are, confiscate the phone), but otherwise stay out of it!

Well, I think his girlfriend should have had a conversation with him first to check his availability since it was important to her that he come to her party. Maybe she did and your son wasn't paying close enough attention to his calendar. Maybe she did not. And maybe she expects your son to put her on a pedestal and maybe she isn't very concerned he be able to pursue the things in his life that are important to him. She sounds kind of self-centered. But these observations I wouldn't share with your son. He's going to have to figure this relationship dynamic out on his own.

It's tough to watch, but I think you just have to let him make his own decisions. You were right when you told him that he doesn't get to set her party date. She does. She did, and now he needs to decide whether to attend or decline. I would only ask him how he feels about the situation, listen, and let him know HE should make the decision he feels is best for himself, and perhaps he should weigh the pros and cons, since there seems to be a lot at stake.

As hard as it is... You have to let them figure things out themselves.

An all day birthday part with a photo session for a 15 year old girl??

Where in the world do you all live where this is considered normal and acceptable??

Your son's sports and hobby interests are very important to focus on at this point in his life as they create the steps for future success.

Focusing on a 15 year old girlfriend who can't seem to include him in the next phase of party planning is rude and disrespectful of his time. Her response is cold and mean and flippant regarding his commitments. She does not own the entire day. She's going to be one Bridezilla for sure.

Personally, we are not allowing our kids to date this young. 15 is too young to consider seriously dating IMHO. Hang out with lots of kids, yes. Do group activities, yes. But tie yourself down at 15? No.

I have been clear with this expectation for a long time. My social addict of a 16 year old son knows this and often tells me of the BF/GF drama at school. He has enjoyed tons of social time with girls and likes one girl in particular. Which is very sweet but she would not dictate his other important commitments

I also suggest, that you are over involved in this scenario. I would not be reading my sons texts and getting this involved with the nitty gritty details.

Boy oh boy do they need to have better communication skills. They are young and immature and not able to handle disappointment and pain well.

She needed to tell him that she was planning in on such and such a day and then him actually look at his calendar.

Might I suggest they have a joint gmail calendar to schedule all their after school stuff and appointments and parties and tryouts? This way they don't have to even talk they can simply look and then double check when they see or talk to each other.

I would tell him to go to her party then leave for a little while then come back. Lacrosse is important too.

You and hubling need to stay out of it. Let your son and his girlfriend negotiate their relationship, including fights.

A million flowers to Amy J's post!

Look--it's an all day party.
He can do both.
If him showing up late to an ALL day party isn't "good enough" for her? Neither is she.
This might be where the rubber hits the road.

Oh yes, young love! I would talk with my son about this. I would ask questions and let him talk it out. Sometimes when we hear something out loud is when it all clicks.

I would make sure I was leading my questions in the right direction and let him arrive at that destination. Also, if he needs a way out with the girlfriend the old "my mom is making me go to tryouts" will work as well! =) Good luck!!

I'm surprised they didn't talk about this before this week.

Boom to Amy J response, I concur.

Honestly it's a live and learn thing. He has to live his life and learn from his mistakes. So let him decide what he wants to do and then he can suffer the after effects of his decision.

Yeah, I'd tell your son to go on with his tryouts. This girl needs a chill pill. I would not want my son to be with a girl who whines that he will be late to her party. Forget it. If she is mad, she is mad. That's her decision. He gets to do what he wants. At 15, that should be enough.