Yes or No to Extra Activities, 13 Year Old

I don't think I'd force my kid to do an activity.
Unless she chose to do it and really wanted to do it I wouldn't make her do anything extra. Maybe she's just not into activities. I wasn't into activities. I'd rather sit in my room and read at that age.
Let the girl be.

ETA: WOW 3 EACH!!!! that WAY to much. Let them be kids, let them have me time.

she could just be a general grumbler complainer.. my hub.. complains about most activities before they happen.. and on the way.. but once we get there he usually enjoys it..

I might just let her sit out a season of something. some folks need more down time than others. she might be more of an introvert that uses up all of her energy at school and needs to come home to chill.

i don't get this huge push for activities. i don't see the need really - especially multiple activities per kid.

so my thoughts? drop them all. when she says she's bored (because she's been kept entertained by being driven from activity to activity her whole life, she may have very little experience with the concept of "free time") put her to work. she'll quit stating she's bored. she will read. she will do art projects. she might write a poem or in a journal. in short- she'll use her imagination. it's really not the end of the world.

it really seems as if you are doing all the pushing, all the driving (both figuratively and literally), all the wanting, all the deciding, all the choosing. she's just not that into it.

honestly i think at age 5, 6, 7 - those are your chances to instill how much fun something can be, and push them to keep trying even if at first they're not crazy about it. by age 13 she knows what she likes. and what she doesn't. it's not just because she hasn't tried it, hasn't given it a chance.

Frankly, I'd stop wasting my time and my money - if she were truly interested, she would want to do it all her own without you having to run it by her or prod her along. She can join something at school on her own that doesn't cost you guys anything (or at least shouldn't), like drama club or choir. But I wouldn't just let her watch TV all day long either - limit her daily screen time, and when she complains about being bored, just remind her you offered to sign her up for XYZ and she wasn't interested. It's her choice to be bored, or find something to do. Find some chores for her to do around the house instead, or see if you can get her into babysitting for families in the neighborhood. It's possible she just really hasn't found her thing yet, but then again, maybe she's just burnt out from all the things you keep signing her up for. Sign her up for some volunteer work to fill up her time.

How do you expect her to capitalize on these "opportunities?" - is she going to be pursuing a career in art, or music, or sports, or whatever? Are you expecting her to get some kind of college scholarship? Because if she really isn't having fun, I don't see the point. Drop it all for a while, and stop helicoptering her.

Some kids are go-getters and very active; some are not. I think you should stop battling her. She's 13, and there are probably going to be enough other battles over the next few years.

We moms push our kids to do this and do that, but now that I've raised three, I can tell you that they only end up doing what they really want to do, anyway. Stop signing her up for stuff, unless she really wants it. One extracurricular
activity is plenty. She is probably going to be very busy in high school.

If she tells you she's bored, say, "Oh well." It's not your business to entertain her.

I agree with DVMMOM.

I would drop it all, at least for awhile.

I completely get what your are going through! I had dgtr #1 who loved and excelled at every stinking activity we put her in when she was young. It finally got to a point in 4th grade that she was just TIRED and needed to make choices.

On the other hand, dgtr #2 was given all the same classes, coaches and activities only to be the one on the sideline chasing butterflies! She wasn't naturally competitive OR athletic. She liked dance, but wasn't crushed when she broke her arm and we decided to sit her out the rest of the year.

Flash forward to now, she LOVES dance and theater. She is on 2 dance teams in her studio and is currently rehearsing a musical with a civic group. I never would have seen myself as a "stage" mom, and I'm totally the opposite. She loves theater and wants to be on Broadway some day.

My point is this, you don't know today what passion you daughter will pursue. Your job is not to force her into something you think is right for her, it is simply to love her and support her when she finds what compels her to be her best.

Good Luck!!

Maybe she needs a break. Even 1 after school activity can be hard on a 13 yr old if they have a lot of homework.

Plus, 13 can be a hard age for a girl. Raging hormones and moods. Is it really worth the fight and resentment to get her to her activities? I don't think so.

We let our oldest drop out of Tae Kwon Do when she was 12. She was burned out. We would fight before every practice, which was twice a week. The compromise was she joined her school's track team. She did have fun and met some new friends.

But, she knew going into high school that sports wasn't her thing. By then, I was okay with that. She's expressed interest in joining non-sports clubs and we're encouraging her. Not every kid is an athlete or a joiner.

I think your daughter is old enough to make some decisions for herself. If she's not into sports, so be it. There are other things she can do to be active (like take a walk after school or ride her bike or play in the back yard).

It's never easy as a parent to let go of what our vision of our children is and let them be themselves. Good luck.

I'd stop doing these "fun" activities and instead, take her to do volunteer work. She needs to see how people who are less fortunate than her live. I would not put up with any complaints from her. She has learned nothing from the money you have spent. She needs to learn what people's lives are like when they have NO money.

Research a safe place for her to work. Don't allow ANY excuse for not working, especially her period, to keep her from doing it. Yes, this is a bit of a punishment. You don't have to say that or admit, but she needs this consequence.

Instead of "activities".... what about her joining a club of some kind????
That is of, HER interest????
When I was a kid, I was in the 4-H club. It was good. Not a "lesson" or "class." But a social thing too and shared common interests. And I learned, a lot from it.

Are there 4-H clubs in your area???
Or what is your daughter... into?
Maybe a Lego Robotics club?
Gardening club?
Reading club?
Art group?

For some kids, these things are more enriching... than the standard "lessons" or sports that all kids have to take or that the parents want them to take. And it can be an ENJOYED respite and fun... for the child.
It not being a "lesson" or "class." Hence, they get a break and a nice downtime...although it is a learning experience as well.

Remember, things a kid is enrolled in, does NOT have to be a sport. Like everyone else.
And, nothing is going to be enriching for her or enjoyable, unless the child wants to, do it.

ie: I had to take piano when I was a kid. All parents feel music lessons are good right? Well, I HATED it. We had a piano at home. I hated it. I would, literally, vanish and runaway when it was time for my lesson. My parents would drag me over there. Finally, after 2 years old that, they let me quit. But you know what??? I DO know music and can read music and can play music. Why? Because, when I was in middle school, I took band and *I* chose my instrument. And I liked it. And practiced. And I was good. I therefore, learned... about music. And lots more.

Or have her do volunteer work.
At something that will take kids her age and that she is interested in.
For example, every summer, our local parks & rec summer fun program, allows middle schoolers or high schoolers, to volunteer... to be a "youth leader." And they, help with the younger kids in the program. And they are trained and under the rules of the program and are screened and can be youth leaders, if they qualify. Many of these teens, like working with kids. And hope to be teachers one day. For example.

BUT the overall main thing as well is:
That the child have enough and adequate time... to do, homework. And school work. Which for us, is the priority for our own kids.

3 activities EACH?

Way too much.

Talk to her and figure out what she doesn't want to do next season. Decreasing the number of activities will likely solve your problem in sum.

It's better to be focused on one activity, and be able to commit oneself fully, than be spread too thin by taking on too many.

Since it seems like the activities line up with 'seasons,' how about skipping two seasons (presumably about half a year) and seeing how it works out? Limit screen time during this time, of course, and keep the volunteering once per week.

I suggest skipping 2 seasons because I expect she'll do a lot of decompressing/lounging around during the first off season. Hopefully by the second one, she'll begin to find herself again and stir up some passions (or at least curiosities) for one topic or another.

I believe that at this age, when kids are working hard just to feel comfortable in their own skin and to develop their identity, they sometimes just need a little breathing room. I think it's hard to get that when they are running from one activity to the next (or from school to an activity, etc.).

I think even some adults lose sight of their interests when they are very busy!

Good luck.

How many children do you have and what exactly is your 13 year old interested in outside school activities? How are her grades?

My daughter started HS this year. I told her she had a join a club or do some school activity. She has never been happier and now wants to go to school even when she is sick so she can go to her after school clubs (all theatre related). She has developed really close friendships with her theatre friends and has been invited to sweet 16 parties, an Oscar party (girls all wore gowns) and misc. other parties. I am so glad I pushed her to do it, otherwise she would have been laying around watching TV all afternoon, every afternoon:)

I know this wasnt your question, but wanted to offer a suggestion about the reading. My husband is ADD and does not read. Ever, at all. He got an iPad for work, downloaded the kindle app, and all of a sudden he enjoys reading! Years ago a therapist told him that many ADD people succeed in careers involving computers because the constantly moving pixels are registered by the brain even though the eye can't see them and it acts like an 'on' switch for the ADD brain, it captures and holds the attention. You might want to see If she's more inclined to read on a Kindle, it certainly helped my hubby.

There are only boring people, things cannot be boring. She needs to know this.

Sounds like she's burnt out. This is about the time it would be great to have an outside activity but if she's had too much of it all these years she may be dropping out. Maybe she needs some down time.

What is it you expect to receive from this, is it to build her character?

It seems she needs to build her own passion for something, she needs to find it herself. Guidance is needed of course but don't push.

If I'm not mistaken, you said if she's alone at home she'll just watch tv. Well don't let this happen. If she's at home she can still do lots of things. Does she like art, she can paint, draw, craft, clay-model, read, cook, sew, knit, scrap-book, take photos that she actually puts in albums or does something with, study a particular subject she likes, there are all kinds of things. I agree there shouldn't be any lazing around, no screen time. Something should be expected from her that is worthy of doing and doing well. But don't push the sports just because she be doing something. Give her some space.

Remember too that hormones have a play here too.

When my daughter was 12 she found her passion in horses. At first it started with free lessons for work. She learned everything she could and loved it all. We finally got her one when she was about 14. She rode in shows and did all kinds of hard work and kept at it till she was 18, then it became her work when she moved to Yosmite for a few years.

Maybe you should give her some space for a while but still expect her to expand her horizons through writing, art or such and while doing it think about what she'd really like to decicate herself too. Perhaps have her write out a list and think about what each idea would really be like and talk to you about it. But remember she is only 13 she has time on her side. She doesn't have to be doing, doing, doing just for doing sake. She needs do something to try it out, to test the waters. This is how teens especially find out what they like. Does she like to swim, do you have a in door pool near by? Maybe she'd like it.

The Best to you and her

Part of the dilemma here are hormones at play... 13, in my opinion, can be a trying time for a teen.. That aside, how about some volunteer work?
When I was thirteen I had to do volunteer work at a church on Sundays. We helped serve meals to people. It was fun and at that time, being more social than I am now, I made friends with many of the regulars. most were very poor and shared their stories with me. I took interest in the people and to this day, I still think of many of them..
As for my own son, we tried basketball, he played reluctantly for one season and that was it.. Then we tried Karate for a short stint and eventually stopped that... He has stuck with his music and recently rediscovered his passion for Chess. Additionally, the Y has been putting on a free culinary program for which he wanted and does attend..

Maybe she just needs to figure out on her own what she wants to do... For a time, I was concerned that my son didn't want to do sports or other team functions, but now.... he's found his passion and we go along with it..

I would narrow it down to only 1 extra sport or activity a year that she MUST do...to me, that is plenty.

How about swimming? Most kids i know love that as an extra curricular activity!

How about something like a YMCA membership? She can do what she feels like doing when she goes, and she isn't sitting idle at home. You could also enroll her in activities that don't cost a lot of money (do you have cadet programs down there?). What about volunteer opportunities? I don't think activities are necessary, but it doesn't mean they get to sit in front of the tv or computer either.

You mention ADD. Is she on medication? Has it been adjusted or reviewed lately? For a lot of girls ADD manifests itself in lethargy and depression. Since you mention that she doesn't have real enthusiasm for anything that was my first thought.

I think this has less to do with adding or dropping activities and more with getting to the source of her general lethargy and lack of interest in anything.

Kids need downtime too. Some need it more than others. She sounds burnt out from the constant pressure to be doing Something.

I'm a fan of 1 full time activity at a time. My oldest son, for example, goes to karate 3 nights a week, usually M-W-Th. He also goes has Chess Club (free) once a week at school on Tuesdays. This "on the go" time totals about 4.5 hours of his week including travel. That is plenty enough for one kid.

With multiple kids in multiple activities, it is likely that you're missing out on the most important thing - downtime together as a family. I don't mean having dinner together (eating is a necessary function) or taking vacations or doing scheduled activities..

I mean simply spending time with each other for no particular reason besides wanting to be together. When is the last time you just snuggled up for a chat about whatever random and silly topic is on your kid's mind? Played a board/card game on a whim? Took a walk to nowhere just because the weather is nice? Sat in the same room together, but not interacting? For example, I might be reading and my kids will get books too and just near me while reading their own stuff.