Yelling

I can relate - I work a full time job and balance volunteer activities as well...it seems like there is never enough time in the day. Have you ever sat down and talked with the kids about you going back to work? How old are the other children? If they are older, its time for them to take some responsibility around the house. Sure, it will be a change for them, but it will help you out. There is NOTHING worse than washing dishes before you go to bed, and then discovering a full sink and messy kitchen when you get home from work the next day!! There is absolutely nothing wrong with teaching your kiddos how to take care of chores around the house...they don't LIKE it, but one day they will thank you for it. Making them responsible and creating some type of reward system may help- maybe taking them to a movie when you can spare a couple of hours or even sit down and watch a movie - connect with them at some point during the week, even if its just making time to ALL sit down together at the dinner table together. Anything as a family will do wonders! About me - I have 3 daughters - 19, 16 and 12. I have always worked, with the exception of a few months after they were born. My oldest is now in college (just moved back yesterday!) and my other two are involved in 4-H and other school related activities. We stay busy between work, home and other activities but you can strike a balance and be happy. I am sure with you working, your family is in an adjustment phase and things will work out..just make sure you talk to everyone in your home about how you feel and I am sure things will be fine. Good luck!
~K

Hi K.,

This sounds like a challenging time for everyone.

It also sounds like a great time for a family meeting. Decide ahead of time with your husband what you both want to say and some possible suggestions to improve things. Get some great snacks, grab some comfortable chairs, and settle in for a chat. Let everyone share what they've seen or felt since you've gone back to work. When this is done, ask for a brainstorming session on ways to make things better. Everyone gets to share. Have someone take quick notes. Choose the best ideas and post them. Act on them.

A tip that really help us is to set aside time (even 20 minutes helps) to decompress whenever someone gets home. Another tip is to have whoever is yelling take a deep breath, pause and restate whatever he or she is saying in a better way. With so much on everyones' plates, this is a good time to have a posted chart of who does what - it really cuts down on the arguments. You might also read my response to Jeanette S in this digest.

Life with kids and careers is busy, isn't it? Family meetings, communication and problem solving as a team can make a big difference.

Good Luck,

Parent Coach J. B

K.,

I'm sorry for the stress you are experiencing in your family and I can totally relate. I would recommend sitting down with everyone, maybe during dinner and bringing this up. Say something like, "I know it has been hard on all of us, including me, since I went back to work. We all are under a lot more stress." I would tell each of them, including your husband how much you appreciate each of them and what they do.

Tell them you would like to hear how much they all appreciate you and what you do. That is so important for all your family members. Ask them for suggestions for how to get along better as a family. Maybe a fun night on the weekend, or some shared activity. Offer some clear ways that they can help you out, also. Tell them to think about this and get back to you the next night at dinner.

Things will not change overnight. Keep talking with them and tell them you miss the way things used to be. Remind them of how much you love them and let them know that each one of you has a role in your family's happiness.

Good Luck!
D.

Children often do not have the vocabulary to express what they are really feeling, so they express it through fighting or yelling. They appear to be telling you that they are not happy with you working so much. Talk to them about what they are feeling, and see if you can cut back on your time working. It feels good to pay off bills, but it is not worth the sacrifice of family time.

K.,
It will help if you put the rules or expections down on paper and post them for you family (on the fridge or tv room). As a teacher, I have found that youngsters follow the rules alot better if they help come up with them. Sit with your family and make a schedule of the day's activities and make everyone a chore list. Then make positive rule, don't use the word "no" in the rules. Like for example
1.Use an inside voice when talking inside.
2.Respect other people and yourself

You might want to put little pictures on it for the younger ones to associate the picture with the rule.

Hope this helps.

You have gotten some very interesting responses so far...

I agree with everyone who is telling you to have a family meeting to hash out details and give everyone a chance to talk about how underappreciated they feel.

The 10 yo is balking on her chores and being disrepectful because that is what they do from around 8 to 18. It is up to us to teach them to be better than that. So, don't accept it.

I agree with the charts ideas. One should list all that each person does on which day, and one should list consequences clearly for anything not done. (Allow the kid(s) to have input on the consequences)

I know you are struggling to pay off your debt, but set some money aside to do something as a family one weekend each month. Let the kid(s) have input on this as well. Make sure you stay within a budget. There are a lot of things that you all can do together for family bonding that are tons of fun, but do not cost "an arm and a leg."

For instance, pack a picnic lunch go to a park and play basketball or soccer or something else that gets everyone out and active. Go miniature golfing in your backyard, have each person design a "hole" that you all play through.

Go swimming, or bowling or roller/ice skating. Many of these are things your kids will remember years from now. Not because you spent money to do it, but because you all had fun together.

If you are close enough, go to the beach for a day. Get several cheap pails in different sizes or sand molds (they are like 5 bucks for a package of them, or a buck a piece at many places). Pack a picnec lunch and build sandcastles and make sure to take lots of pictures.

For the weeks in between get some games, indoor board games, and outdoor stuff (croquet, badmitton, volleyball, etc) nothing too extravagant in cost (you can aquire one new one per month even, fairly inexpensively) and spend the weekend playing games with the kid(s). You could wash the car together during the summer for some family fun - someone invariably gets the wild hair to spray someone else and you end up with a fun, spontaneous water fight.

This will help you calm down and not yell as much because you may not have as much time with your family as you would like, but the time you are spending with them is quality and fun.

Make sure that they all know these fun times can only be had if everyone does their part during the week so you all are not spending your whole weekends doing missed chores and fighting with one another.

This will not be perfect all the time, but families are rarely, if ever, perfect.

Good Luck... ;-)

As far as working and debt, just see if you can make a plan that you'll work as hard as you are for x many months etc... and set the goals. We have had to confess to our child that we made some bad mistakes with money and we are paying for it now. It is not what we want to do, but we have to do it for our family's sake. Once you have your goal met with some bills, then do your best to pull back on your hours (if possible) and focus on your family. I think if kids understand its for a short time, then it sits better. Many people think they'll go back to work when the kids get older, however I see that as the kids get older they really need their parents even more available to them... even though they don't act like it. Best wishes to you all. I pray something works out for your family, bills and schedule soon!

It sounds like the kids miss the attention of one or both of their parents. With your time see if it is possible to arrange for a time in the week where you have family time,Movie time with pizza popcorn etc at home> have everyone name a movie and then have a drawing. This will give them something to look forward to and give everyone some time together. My husband would have date nights with the kids one at a time. Concert,movie,dinner whatever. He is gone now but it is one of the things that they remember most,of the time they spent together.

I've been there. It's not easy. FlyLady.com may help you out some with the chores. But, the stress level is a little harder to deal with. I simply chose to stay home and do part-time stuff to help out. It was a hard choice. We struggle financially, but my family is happier. I came to the place that filing bankruptcy would be better than all the extra stress.

Drastic changes may be needed for you whether you still work or not. House, cars, toys, eating out, etc. All this can be adjusted to help you not work as much at least. Organization can help reduce the stress level while you do work making it easier for everyone to help out. It's a hard adjustment either way. But, it can be done. I do know how you feel. Sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband and see what he is thinking.

Your family needs their mommy! There is a balance and a sense of well being that comes in no other way when mom is home more than she's gone. You bind the family together, it's that simple. One thing that can help alot is that you set aside one evening every single week, and most of that evening, to be together as a family. You don't even have to leave the house and spend money, just be together and have fun. Play games, have a treat, make it a happy time and it will do wonders. Do it and you will see a difference. Blessings!

i am sure i will get some flack for this but i belive you know the answer to your problem. your working too much and the kids arent getting enough. its super hard to balance everything and pay off debt. read up on what the bible says about the husband being the provider and wives being the nurtering (sp) ones. also ksbj houston christian raido has lots of helpful hints about raising respectful chrilden. sorry times are hard...they are for everyone, but its more important to teach your kids love and respect for everyone than it is to quickly get your debt paid off. hope this helps you.

Al good advice so far.

Each time they are yelling, whining, demanding.. Tell them in a calm low voice. "I cannot understand you when you (insert inappropriate communication)." Please speak in your normal voice.

If they continue, ask them to go to their rooms and "find your regular voices."

Sit down with all of them and explain that you all need to work as a team. They need to help around the house. Give them a list of what they need to do each day, each week each month... Then make a list and ask them "How are You 3 going to get this done?" This puts it in their court.

I chose to stay home and find part-time work here and there. I am a teacher so I did a lot of substitute teaching. The times that I subbed too many days in a row, I could tell that things at home suffered. I had less patience to teach and discipline my own kids about acceptable behavior. I stopped doing multiple days in a row and it helped tremendously.

Also, working at night hurts your kids and your husband. It sounds like they are angry about the changes that have taken place and they need you home. Is it really worth the money? When you have time to be at home, you have more time to think of ways to save money. Preparing meals from scratch instead of buying prepared foods, find cost-saving ideas online, etc. Teaching your kids how to cook is fun way to prepare meals. Yes, it is messier and more time-consuming, but more fun and good for them.

I would sit down with your 10yo daughter during a calm moment and tell her that you know she is upset. Ask her what she would like you to do or change. Then ask her what she could do to help around the house. Tell her how proud you are of her to come up with those chores and how much you will appreciate her help - that you knew you could count on her. Do the same with each of your kids. Then praise, praise, praise. Brag about their efforts to others within their hearing range.

Good luck with your decisions.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. My son was having issues at school on top of everyone being tense at home. Plus by the time I got home, made dinner etc it was time for my son to go to bed.

Fortunately my employer was very understanding and allowed me to change my hours. I now work 32-35 hours a week. They also set me up to work at home if needed, which has been very handy in the event my son is sick or if there is a project that needed extra hours.

My employer thought I was valuable enough to allow me to cut my hours, maybe yours will too. Or maybe different hours like 8-4:30 or 7:30-4 may help. Even if they allow you to change your hours a few days a week it may help.

The sacrifice in hours/money is worth your family's sanity in the end.

We were also working toward being debt free and we are now debt free except for our house. There are other things you can sacrifice, time with your family isn't one of them!

Good luck and if you are looking for any advice on getting out of debt check out www.daveramsey.com. Dave Ramsey give good solid advice, no gimmicks or systems.

Good luck!

Edit
I forgot to mention that we also implemented family game night (or movie night or activity night) once a week we play a game watch a movie or go out somewhere. My husband and I also make a point to go out ALONE once or twice a month. It really helped us!

Hi K.-

Create a chore list for your daughter that is going to result in natural consequences for her if she doesn't follow through. For example, she must bring her dirty laundry down to the laundry room and sort it with the other dirty clothes for it to be washed. If she doesn't do it, her favorite shirt that she wanted to wear to school on the first day just won't be clean. You have to control your urge to pick up her clothes and wash them though. This only works if you follow through. If she doesn't pick up after herself then things will tend to "get lost" around the house. My kids are only 7 and 5 and they were able to catch onto that last one pretty quickly :-)!

As far as the yelling goes, try to keep your antennae up for your own yelling and have your husband do the same. I've found that if the kids are loud, then I start to yell, then they yell even louder to be heard over me and so on. If I notice the conversation getting louder, I actually soften my voice and it's amazing how the person you are talking to will usually follow your lead. If you keep your cool and don't engage in the shouting usually the child will stop because they realize how ridiculous they look yelling when no one else is!

Good luck,
K.